It’s Monday horary! I would have to be at school right now, but since the teachers are having a meeting today that I’m sure is of vital importance, everyone gets the day off. I didn’t necessarily go over board yesterday but I ate more than I wanted to so it was pretty easy to convince myself to not eat as much today. So far I’ve had a piece of toast with honey on it, some grapes, some raspberries, and some etamame. For dinner since I have work tonight I’ll just do a salad again. It just feels right to not eat a ton anymore. On days that I break and binge I feel like an absolute whale the next few days. Just too fat to do anything. I literally will just feel uncomfortable in my own skin until I lose it all again. Not only that, but my binges are a lot smaller than they used to be. Smaller, shorter, and for the most part easier to stop.
I’m not trying to sound like a crazy person here but I feel like something greater is giving me signs. I know Ana is short for the full name of the goddess of anorexia… I’m not sure what her full name is, but I’m going to look into it. It just started last week when I was alone in my room, and having just looked at the scale I said, “If there is a goddess of anorexia, please give me a sign. Help me!” The next day the scale said I had lost five lbs. Granted I had taken some laxatives, but I’d never lost that much in one day from laxatives. I took that as a sign and that night I asked again for assistance and the next day was successful once again. Then Friday came.
That morning I had half a piece of French toast. That afternoon a friend was hospitalized. I know they aren’t related but I took it as a sign. If I break my own personal rules bad Karma is going to happen. I’m one of those people who love finding signs in things. Don’t get me wrong I still don’t necessarily think there is a god that is going to cater to my anorexic needs, but I do believe in karma. If bad things happen to me every time I eat I should really get my ass into gear right?
My friend is out of the hospital. He had a two day hangover and still had to play soccer. It’s really weird he insisted on giving me twenty dollars
I wrote that yesterday but never got a chance to finish. Jackson came over and we hung out for a little while. Then later on and this morning, my dad turned into Mr. Jackass again and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I binged. I guess contrary to the title of this blog I’m not anorexic. I just have an eating disorder. I a wannabe anorexic, but my feelings always get in the way. I’m also about to start my period so it’s feelings X10. Heather is pretty much not my friend anymore despite how close we were only a month ago and she’s turning into a bitch. Since we hung out all the time, we accumulated a lot of each others things. Today she asked for it all back, which I don’t have a problem with; what I do have a problem with is her asking for something that she said I could have. In what way is that friendly? I’m not too torn up about it because it was only a pair of sweats but still. I just can’t believe how insensitive she’s being on top of knowing how depressed I’ve been this year and stuff. I just don’t know if I even WANT to hang out with her anymore. Not only that but I’m an idiot and got a temporary job where she’s working. I’m highly considering just calling the boss and telling her I cant start another job until school is over. I just uggggg I’m so pissed off. I haven’t been this pissed of at a friend in a long time. I don’t want to be ditched by the people I trust most.
Ok I’m done bitching. There are bigger and better things out there than stupid girls who think the world revolves around them. I’ve got many other friends. Speaking of which, Sasquatch is in a month and I’m soooooo pumped. I’m going with school friends and hope to be meeting some attractive strangers! I can be on hard drugs for four days and not have to be in the same town as anyone who’s currently bothering me. Not to mention the artist I’m most excited for is Macklemore. He’s damn attractive. I guess I don’t have that much to talk about today so I’ll just talk about food.
Today I ate a grapefruit, some grapes, abigcookiesomepoptartsafewcheetosandsixtoasterstrudles… I’m so embarrassed. I’m hoping since I didn’t put spaces in there you won’t be able to read it. Exercise you ask? Bench press and walking for a few hours…. Wish me more luck tomorrow!
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