Strange Dream

I had the lap top open yesterday and fell asleep before I could even blog.  But between then and now I had a very strange dream.  Now most of the fine details have been lost because everything leaves me so quickly when I wake up but here's the gist...
I'm paddling by myslef in a pretty little boat out into the open ocean.  I'm just kinda thinking to myself that this would be a prime spot to die, so the first thing I see out the boat i'll jump out into.  I two animals going through my head at that point were sharks and jellyfish.  Preferably I was to jump out of the boat into a swarm of beautiful jellyfish and just get stung to death.  In my dream the jellyfish I was picturing were all pink and had thorn like things in their tentacles or whatever they're called.  I'm not sure about all the details here, but a shark swam up and was rocking my boat, probably to push me out.  Now here's the weird part.  I don't remember paddling but somehow I managed to get back to the dock.  I tried to jump from the boat to the dock and landed in the water.  So I was splashing around for dear life trying to get to the dock, meanwhile there are jellyfish and sharks swimming around below me, and I have no idea why I didn't do what I originally planned, and just let them eat and sting me..  I guess I made it but I woke up.  I feel like I didn't want them to eat me because it was no longer my choice, but something else causing it to happen.  I have water dreams all the time.  They're the only ones i can ever remember and its always mostly calm water and scary sea monsters or ocean creatures below just waiting.  Those dreams are scary.
On a food related note, I felt like I did really well last week.  I would have done really well yesterday, but I came home over the influence, and ate some rice, some popcorn, and toast.  Honestly with those it probably brought me to about 1,200, which would have been shitty anyway, but I made it shittier by eating it and then just passing out and not working any of it off.  So today I had half a grapefruit, some strawberries, and some respberries for breakfast and will eat nothing for the rest of the day.  I'm also buying tons of green tea and laxatives today.  Just a tip for anyone who uses laxatives: Don't use mineral oil.  I read about it and thought I'd try it.  Big mistake haha, it's so disgusting and for lack of a better word messy.  I'm also going tanning today and getting my hair cut and highlighted.  YES!

Sleeping (wannabe) beauty

I won't write too much today because I've practically been sleeping since school got out. Today I ate yogurt 90 cals, a banana 70 cals, 30 cals of fruit snacks, 310 cals s jalapeño Cheetos and 10 cals of apple. That makes my total 510 for the day. Which isn't terrible, but the only exercise I've had today is dancing for a little bit in gym. I'll be better tomorrow. It's getting easier for me now.

Still gross

Today I ate some yogurt 90 cals fruit snacks 80 cals. A penut cluster I'm saying 30 cals and a few bites of salmon probably 50 cals so total 250 calories today. Not terrible haha. I was going to eat an apple but not anymore! For exercise I did a really short jog probably fifteen minutes and am walking a lot because of work.
I like Anna she's a good texting buddy. A different girl texted me. She's from the UK but I'm not going to give her a name yet because they're too hard to remember and just in case it doesn't work I don't want one of my simple options to be taken. She seems pretty cool though.
I wore a dress to school school today and got some compliments but little did I know there was a giant hole in by the zipper. I discovered it when I was changing. I was so embarrassed. I probably looked ridiculous so I had to change before voice lessons and work. I just got a beautiful new Italian piece. The poetic idea is "You've just kissed me and you want me, I'm so happy!" It just kind of made me sad because I haven't been able to relate to that in a while. I think I'm getting in one of those moods everybody goes through where they feel like something's missing and they don't know what. I can't fill my void with food anymore, so I just feel like I need to find something else. It's weird feeling. Ah well. I'm tired.. It's a whopping 10:24 here and I'm conking myself out with NyQuil! Yay!

scrambled topics

Last night I spent the night at heathers house.  We just drank, talked, and watched Gilmore girls pretty much.  It was nice.  I love spending time with her and I love her to death but lately I’ve been getting annoyed with her.  It seems like all she has time to talk about is her and her own problems, and if I ever try to change the conversation she brings it back to her and some boy problems she’s having.  I know boy problems can be tiring and mind consuming, but she’s constantly reminding me that all kinds of guys are into her (obsessively so) and the most action I’ve had with a guy in a while is breathing into a coat for two hours while a guy with terrible breath is sitting next to me probably wondering why I haven’t responded to any of his advances… yeah I’m lonely.  I guess beggars can’t be choosers, but I don’t really want a boyfriend, I just want male attention (women right?). 

                This might sound weird, but hey none of you know me so I’ll be open.  I kind of have a major crush on a guy twice my age…   He works at the restaurant I work at, and since the first day I started there I’ve had some weird desire to “prove myself” to him.  Not like sexually prove myself, I just want him to think I’m the coolest person ever, and I have no idea why.  Granted lately I have been more “into him” than usually lately.  But that’s neither here nor there.

                Today once again due to the alcohol, my friend made me eat a bagel with cream cheese.  Because of this I didn’t eat anything for the rest of the day until work, where I ate like two bites of grilled chicken because I had just done a really hard work out and needed to calm the grumbling of my stomach during work.  I’ll just aim high and said I had about 525 calories today. 

                This probably belongs in with one of my other entries, but there’s this girl in my Gov class first period, and she is sometimes my sole thinspiration for the day.  She comes to school practically every day with a muffin containing more calories than my entire day’s allowance.  She pokes it prods it smashes it, makes it look disgusting, and eats it.  It just grosses me out.  And she’s pretty big.  I don’t know if she fits the criteria for obese, but she’s gotta be close.  Then in the next class I have with her she’ll be eating something else junky, and in the next class I have with her she’ll be eating something like carrots.  Like that makes up for it.  And she has bad foot odor sometimes, which I know doesn’t always have to do with weight, but It definitely is a contributing factor.  Today in government I tried to take a candid camera photo to look at later (I know that sounds creepy), but my flash went off and my friend noticed.  I said it was an accident though, and honestly who would assume I was lying at this point?  She’s been my subconscious thinspo for a while now.

                Nothing else crazy has happened today.  Tomorrow should be another successful day!  Thanks for reading the ramblings of me J

Binge free for --- days!

I'm going to make my own little sign of "binge free for ____ days" in my room.  I need to try anything to help me binge less.  That sign will be another little reminder.  I said before that I'd only smoke after seven.  That really only works for the first day I make that rule.  Usually the rule I go by is, if I have weed I'll smoke it.  I doesn't really matter the time of day, so I think I just can NOT buy weed until summer.  If someone else offers it sure, but I can't buy it.  With out it I can focus on my will power more.  Another potential ana buddy texted me, we'll see how that goes.  Right now I still just have Anna.
Spring break is coming up next week... I still look like a fatty but I deserve it.  All I do is eat it feels like.  Tomorrow I'll start my super strict diet and excercise thing again, rather than do it in phases of like three days really strict and then three days eating pretty much normal ammount of calories (the days I consider bingeing).  One thing I'm trying with Anna is taking pictures of the scale and sending that, because the scale can't lie.  I think that'll help.  For the most part it was a pretty uninteresting monday...  Sorry todays couldn't be more eventful.

blogging at work

I can sit here as long as I want and type away and it'll look like I'm doing something really important and business-like on the computer.  I have the day off at the restaurant I work at. Today I'm working 10-2 at a clothing store.  They say it's affordable attire but I beg to differ. I can't afford the clothes I sell here even when I have store credit, which sucks because the clothes here are super adorable.  Today I'm doing one of those "big breakfast, skip lunch and dinner" type things.  I woke up this morning thrilled to see that my thighs no longer touch when my knees touch (unless I really push them together), but even then I have a gap at the top.  I might be going to a party tonight and I hate drinking, but inevitably someone always gives me a drink that i cant refuse.  My relation ship with food is like my relationship with alcohol.  I try to use it moderately, but inevitably I'll binge every now and again.  I think I've said that before.   Usually I bring weed because it always makes for a better night, but  being cross faded is just like an emotional high.
   Funnily enough the person who's party I'm going to I really dislike.  We used to be really good friends.  She would say "best friends" but that's because she has a new best friend evey week.  When you're her best friend, everything is good and fun (kindof... she still takes advantage of you).  And when she picks out a different friend she ignores you, belittle you, or acts like your friend to get something she wants.  When I was friends with she used the fact that I was a nice person that wanted to please everybody, as an excuse to treat my like crap and do everything she wanted.  She's just not a good person and it bothers me that she still has friends.
   Yesterday I got stoned with a kid I'm on and off with, his friend, and my gay friend that I forgot my code name for.  He embarassed me infront of both the straight guys.  Sometimes I get the vibe that he's actually straight and just pretends to be gay because I hang out with him more than straight guys.  He took me to a late night movie; granted I payed, but thats just another benefit of pretending to be gay.  He always agrees with me, always asks who I'm into, and the other day he was complaining about a crick in his neck and while we were waiting for a friend he put his seat down and was just making me feel uncomfortable...  I don't know.  Call me conceited, but I just get the vibe sometimes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I started that yesterday at work and it picked up all of a sudden so I never got a chance to finish. I slept all day today and when I was awake my dad was hogging the computer. That's my excuse for today.  I never went to that party, I just pretended that I fell asleep.And I heard it got crashed anyway so I was even less disappointed.  Yesterday I binged on french toast and ice cream.  Purged it up with my dad, step mom, and friend in the house, which is the first time I tried that.  It went fine.
I think my friend Heather's eating disorder is resurfacing, but maybe that's just be projecting my emotions onto her.  Angel never really texted me back after the first day, but that's ok because someone else texted me, and it seems like we have a lot more in common, and weight the same ammount down to the decimal so it will probably be more fun losing with her. Angel was already 103 lbs.  I think I'm going to call my new ana buddy Anna on here, because it's really hard to remember the fake names I give people, but something tells me I'll be able to remember that.  Our unified goal is 100 by end of may... well she said 105 but mine is 100.  I think it'll work but I need someone to text throughout the day and so far we haven't texted that much.  Ah well, I'll find someone who needs help as much as I do.

Pizza Party for One?

If there's one thing my period does to me, is make me crave things I swore I'd never eat again.  I think it's also partially the exaustion that brings my will power into question.  Today at school I was tired, grumpy, depressed, and worst of al bloated like a dead whale (If they bloat).  I haven't had pizza in forever, and today I just snapped.  I'm home right now because school would kill me off, and I ordered pizza, parmesean things, and cinna stix, oh and diet coke.  The diet coke so I can purge it out more easily.
 I've finally found an ana buddy that really know's what she's doing. I'm going to call her angel because in my eyes thats what she is!  She's going to help me get down to 100 by summer.  I only hope I can actually do it.  I'm worried my lack of willpower will be my down fall.  But I'm really going to try. I hate hating myself this much....  Still pumped for the pizza to get here though.
Gah I'm so pathetic.  Anyone who reads this would probably think, "she's not anorexic, she's just a fat ass with a binging problem".  And honesly I don't disagree with you.  But when I have a craving for something special, i just physically can not stop thinking about it until I eat it.
I have about 70 days to lose twenty lbs.  I know I can do it.  I have to do it!  I will be 100 lbs by june.  I WILL.  And I'll learn how to control myself and not let food control me.  I need angels help and I know she'll help me.  I really just have to be patient and not expect too much too soon.  I want to be skinny so bad and I order pizza.  Jeez.

ugggg dinner...

    I think I'm going to start trying to not eat after one o'clock.  There's just something about dinner I hate.  I was going to not eat dinner today,  but my stomach was growling so terribly I just had to.  No not had to, absolutely desired to is better.  My breakfast this morning was a small piece of toast and butter; about 130 calories.  My lunch was a delicious apple; 20 cals (?).  And my dinner was three ounces of salmon and half an apple; 120 calories.  So total I ingested a whopping 270 calories today, but since I just ate that salmon I feel like I'm a fatty.  I'm laughing at that word "fatty" right now.  It's just a funny word.  People have yet to comment on any of my posts :( ah well, it'll happen eventually.  For excercise today I did that half hour of weightlifting.  Today was cleans which I HATE with a passion.  They hurt my arms and I'm bad at them.  Then after school I worked out fum about 3:30 to 4:40.  That was bad.  I have cramps like I'm going to start my period soon, but I think I should have had it by now.  My friend, wanted to do ab stuff but there's no way that was happening, so a "friendly" alternative he gave me was putting 20 lbs on my back (i think) and having me run around our school up and down stairs 7 times.  It killed my legs (in a good way).  We also did a sliding plate excercise that's too hard to explain, and some other arm work outs.  Then I walked home which was about a 40-45 minute walk. It's so frustrating to be doing all this work and have hardly anything to show for it.  The only things i've noticed are a slightly, SLIGHTLY smaller stomach, and.....  yeah that's all. 
      I'm really getting anxious for summer to come for a few reasons.  First of all I'm worried I won't look skinny enough.  Second of all I just miss summer so much.  Last summer I worked every single day (I'm not exaggerating),  got super baked all the time, and just took the most relaxing night time walks by myself...  Just listening to atmosphere and starting to think about becoming serious with my eating habits.  Last summer is when I met the girl who I would probably have killed myself by now with out.  I'm not exaggerating and I still have that desire a lot of the time (When I feel inspired I'll write more about her. I'm surprised I haven't yet).  And third of all, I just can not fucking wait to not be in school anymore.
       I hate how idiot teachers think they no everything and others go on power trips and seemingly purposely make life miserabe for their students.  I hate how hicks at my school, or all hicks. rednecks, and other people like that,  are so far behind mentally they think they're ahead.  I don't them; i honestly can't think of a single person I hate.  I just dislike ignorance, intolerance, racism and many other things that they stand for.  A group once spat on my friends car and went on a rant about Obama being a "nigger", because she had an Obama bumper sticker.  How do they expect anything good to come from that?  This is going to sound extremely hypocritical, but I'm intolerant of intolerance.  I hope everyone understands what I mean by that.  I also hate how the system "standardizes" everything.  Everyone has things they're good at and things they're bad at.  It's different for everybody and it makes no sense that we all get tested the same.  I'm not saying this because I'm bad in school.  I of course could be better, but I know what's going on most of the time.  I also don't like how boring it is, how when I am in a class I would enjoy, someone is inevitably always there to ruin it.  I just haven't really appreaciated school since elementary school.
      I also think that since I talk about people on here I'm going to create fake names for people.  My wrestling friend will be Gary, my really close friend will be Heather, my gay friend will be Phill and I suppose anyone else I'll make up when the time comes.

car!

Tomorrow morning I'm hopefully going to get my liscense. The only problem is that I'm not completely sure what to bring.  I hope it works because if I don't have everything I'm going to be really frustrated.  I've been able to get my liscence since December and nobody's taken me to get it yet.  I already know the car I'll hopefully get.  It's a 2000 pontiac grand am. It's pretty nice and the first thing I thought when I got in it is that it smelled like my brother who I'm always missing, and he has a pontiac too so it's just meant to be. That is the strange concusion I've come to.  The only problem is, my dad is a stickler and says he'll only help me out with the car if I make a written budget; like I don't already pay super close attention to numbers.  But I guess he doesn't know how much I count everything.  And speaking of counting, I've counted too many calories consumed today.  I'd say close to two thousand.  And the thing about me when I eat that much is a lot of it tends to be carbs...  I'm doing a hard "wrestler friend" workout tomorrow, so that'll be good for me.  Plus after have eating days like this, i come back with a vengence and lose more than i gained.  Plus I think it's good for my metabolism.  Today it was a cardio day in weights.  That's every wednesday. and I had work and walked around so I'm mad at myself, but I know for sure it could have been worse.  It wan't the most unhealthy binge i've had, but i can't tell myself that. I have to be hard on myself!  And I NEED another new ana buddy.

My Personal Thinspo

I like looking at normal thinspo as much as the next person I suppose, but I find another equally if not more effective form of thinspo is looking around me at people I actually know and either thinking “that girls muffin has my entire days worth of calories in it.” Or, “of course they’re eating junk food and going out for ice cream.  They’re overweight and don’t even care”.  That in itself can be awesome thinspo because when I see heavy people the last thing I want to do is eat and be like that.  Notice I don’t call them fat.  That’s a word I reserve for myself and myself only... Or gross.  Sometimes I find that looking at overweight people is better thinspo than looking at skinny people, because seeing people skinnier than me get discouraging but seeing people heavier than me makes me think “I have way more control than them, I’m gonna show off in my own head and exercise my control even more.”

                But I’ll admit there is one person who’s my “in person” skinny thinspiration, and that is my best friend.  She used to be anorexic, and before we really even met I knew.  We’ve only known each other since about April, but we act like we’ve known each other our whole lives.  We also look similar and like convincing people we’re sisters, which really isn’t hard at all.  She’s very recovered though, which is good for her and I so I don’t feel even more inadequate than I already do.  She’s tall thin and absolutely beautiful.  Guys go crazy for her which is another thing about her jealous of… although she’s the biggest flirt ever and I hardly talk to guys so that’s probably a contributing factor.  She eats normally now which makes me feel good about myself, but she still constantly refers to herself as fat.  I can’t tell anymore if it’s because she’s always fishing for compliments, or if she actually believes it.  But when she calls herself fat it enforces in my head that I’m obese if she’s fat.  It works I guess, but for the most part I still think looking at fat people works better.  Just focusing on what they’re eating and how they’re eating it… I don’t it might not work for everybody but it works for me. 

                Today I had a 250 calorie breakfast of Old World Italian bread, jelly, cream cheese, and grapefruit.  I had a 100 calorie lunch of 20 cherry tomatoes, and I don’t plan on eating dinner but I guess I have 150 calories to work with. I know I’ll be happier if I leave my calorie intake at 350 though, so I guess that 150 calories is for a “work famish emergency” or something, but otherwise I’ll be just drinking my black coffee for energy.  For a workout today I didn’t do anything special.  Just my normal weights class and work are today’s exercise I suppose.  According to my calorie calculator those together burn about 822 calories so I’m in the clear.

                As for the rest of my day, nothing too interesting or notable happened.  I have a new ana buddy I think, but we’ve only sent about three texts to eachother, and I need someone who will stay on top of it, not someone that isn’t really into it; but I we’ll see, maybe she’ll be an asset to my reaching 80 lbs.

This lady's my thinspo for today :)

This is an expample of what I was talking about earlier...

Ana buddy

Also I had a texting ana budy and she decided that she didn't want to be anorexic anymore, which i respect, but it leaves me alone again... If anybody needs and ana buddy or is willing to take another one under his/her wing, I would looovvveee it.  Please get in contact! We can text and give eachother advice and encouragement.

movies

Today was perfect.  If I wasn’t such a screw up every day would be like this.  For breakfast I had a piece of toast with butter.  I read that eating a piece of toast with butter or peanut butter in the morning is good because it reduces cravings for starches later, and what better time to eat those delicious carbs than in the morning when they’ll all get burned off throughout the day.  For lunch I was planning of have 140 calories of mixed fruit, but they got super squished and messy so I didn’t eat them.  After school I took some Excedrin because there’s a lot of caffeine in them and I don’t have access to black coffee at school.  Then I worked out with my friend (It was high intensity, but not very long), walked home and ate dinner.  That consisted of ten cherry tomatoes, 2 oz of turkey and about a cup of green beans.  It totaled to about 120 calories, which means my total for the day is 270. That is ideal for me at this point. It’s a lot easier to manage because at least I’m eating something.

                On Saturday night I saw life of pi with a friend of mine.  I like hanging out with him but he’s gay and still in the closet so I feel like people think we’re together or something, and I don’t like the idea of that haha. He’s a great person, but not really “my type” for dating (and I don’t mean just because he’s gay).  And don’t get me wrong I fully support gay’s lesbian’s transvestites all that stuff. I have the “gay gene” in my mom’s side of the family I think.  I’m a firm believer there is one; although I think people can choose to be gay too.  It doesn’t really matter I guess; if you’re gay you’re gay.  Anyway life of pi was absolutely amazing. I never understood what people meant by “It’s beautiful” until I actually saw it. Because it truly was. Every seen was just captivating to look at in its self, and it had a really interesting storyline.  The day after I saw it everything reminded me of it. I literally couldn’t get if off my mind.

                On Sunday I went to the movies with a kid I’ve been putting off hanging out with for a while now.  He and two of his friends used to hang out with me and my friends, and I’ll admit, we dated. Probably about three weeks or so.  It’s not his fault I get over guys fast.  So lately he’s been texting me and I keep responding to his wanting to hang out with “yeah I want to hang out with you guys too!” Put emphasis on guys. Plural. Ewwww… if there are any perverts, don’t take that sexually like I just did.  I mean like not just me and him.  I’m sure everyone got that. Everyone being the probably 6 people that read this. Anyway! So he asks me to the dance the night before, and I wasn’t really in the mood because he kept saying he was going to pay and I’m not interested in him like a date, so the last thing I wanted was to feel like I had to dance with him all night, so I told him I was still too sick and went to the movies with my other friend instead.  That sounds terrible but it’s all I could do in the moment.  So I texted him later to be polite and said that I wasn’t blowing him off and we should go for a hike or something on Sunday. I’ll admit I was hoping to scare him off with the hike thing, (but hey why not get a little exercise too?), but he agreed. To my dismay however, I woke up to snow on the roof tops and really harsh wind. So we decided to not go for a hike and go to a movie instead. Montana Is going through menopause or something because one day it’s a balmy 60, and the next its 35 degrees with freezing winds.  At least this time of year it’s especially bad… Although we have gotten snow in every single month of the year at some time or another.  I realize I’m getting way off topic. Sorry.  So we decide upon Jack the Giant Slayer.  I really really really didn’t want him to pay but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.  Finally I came to realize that getting a free movie wouldn’t be the worst thing ever. And in this economy, why not?  It was a fine movie, I think the princess was way more attractive than the guy who was playing jack; but hey I don’t believe it matters, which is weird because I brought it up.  The thing I hated about the movie had nothing to do with the movie itself.  The kid I went to the movies with had really terrible breath and he kept whispering and somehow breathing hard or something…  I just ended up breathing into my coat.  I probably sound like a real bitch, but I just really hate bad breath it just grosses me out and it’s so not hard to have fresh breath.  After the movie he hugged me. I made sure to give him the “friend pat”.  Later he wouldn’t quit texting me and calling me beautiful so I eventually just had to quit replying.

                Well that was a pretty good sum up of my weekend and up to this point.  Thanks for reading!

Another day Another dollar

   I've come to the conclusion that fasting just isn't for me.  Since I have bulimic tendancies, fasting will inevitably end in a binge.  Now sometimes these binges aren't bad, maybe 500 calories or so.  But I can't be the only one who has such an intense binge craving that it keeps you up at night and you're literally dreaming about it?  The binge I had before my last one was about 2,100 calories. I hated myself afterword, which now that I think about it is kindof funny because some normal people eat that much.  It just seems like a ton to me now.  Fasting actually causes me to gain weight.  The only way I could have a successful fast is if I went somewhere where there is no food at all.  Not eating for a couple days doesn't help me because of two reasons:
1) When you don't eat anything at all, your metabolism just shuts down and doesn't really burn much at all.
2) When you're like me, the second you decide to eat again it just makes it so you can't stop, and since you just spent days slowing down your metabolism, you're holding onto everything you just ate. every. little. thing.
  I was well enough to go to work friday and saturday night. I work in a restaurant and since I pretty much get free food, and I work in a salad station, I like to eat a quick little thing before work.  I'm putting emphasis on quick and little.  Sometimes that's all I'll eat during the day.  Anyway I'm getting off topic.  So on friday I show up a little late, but I'm only human and still wanted something to eat.  So I asked the other busser if I was able to eat something or if it was too busy.  She said she thought it was ok (even though I didn't give a shit. I'm her superior pretty much and I was gonna eat something anyway, I was just being polite... I guess).  So I ate a small roll with some turkey.  That's all.  Later in the night it was slowing way down and everyone was kind of running out of things to do.  So I go up to the busser and ask if she wants me to help fold; she declined.  So I ask her what she thinks i could do and she says "you could eat something", in the most snyde voice I've ever heard! I was so offended and hurt.  I just didn't know what to say. Those words have been running through my head constantly since. I made a vow never to eat at work again.  I know I'm gross and fat.  People don't need to point it out.  Some of my personal eating rules are:
1)EAT BREAKFAT.  If your gonna skip a meal, don't skip breakfast.  That'll make everything else useless.
2)Healthiness is usually the way to go.  You get more bang for your buck (fewer calories. more food)
3) Don't eat after seven. (I break this rule more than I'd like)
4) Water Water Water
And my most recent addition
5)No eating at my job ever. 
There are tons of other little rules i live by but those are the main ones.


THANKS FOR READING :)

One More Day

Today is the last day i'll be staying home sick.  Starting tomorrow I might have something vaguely interesting to talk about.  I just feel like I need to at least write something so I don't lose the few people I have reading this.
To sum up the last three days:
*Binged a little= Fasting A lot
*Watched the whole latest season of CSI= I now think I could commit a murder and get away with it (I won't.)
*Gone Girl = Great book
ME=FAT

P.S CSI had a weird ammount of things that can be used as ana tips

Sick, boring day again

Home sick again today. Lucky me.  I ended up eating a lot yesterday, or at least more than I wanted.  My Ana buddy’s birthday is on the 21^st though so we’re both fasting until then.  With any luck I’ll weigh 110- 112.  It’s going well so far, even though its only 9:40.  My stomach is grumbling though…. L

                Today I was planning on just getting stoned (give me some credit I’m sick.  And fasting) and watching Family Guy, but unfortunately for me I need to install adobe flash player and I’m absolutely computer incompetent.  I’ve tried three different times and it still has not worked so I’m going to be forced to clean or something.  I’d probably work out but I’m still absolutely sore from Tuesday.  The most I was able to do yesterday was go for a walk.  Right now I’m just sitting around listening to AWOLNATION and debating on whether to clean my room, go for a walk, shower, or get mineral oil first.  I guess there’s not much else to talk about.  This was kind of a boring blog… but I’ll stay on top of the fasting and we’ll see how effective it is!  Thanks for reading

...FLU

I was unable to write a blog yesterday because if I would have tried I probably would have puked all over the computer.  I’ve gotten sick so many times this year it’s absolutely ridiculous.  Yesterday for breakfast I had a piece of toast with nothing on it and a banana.  For lunch a Satsuma orange and for dinner a few cups of lettuce with balsamic dressing, some tomatoes, and some chicken.  The day’s calories totaled to about 416 or something.  I worked out with my wrester friend again.  We focused on abs and I’m happy about that.  We worked out for an hour and then I walked 45 minutes to work, where I walked around for another four hours.  During work is where I started feeling nauseous, and on my way home I almost revisited my salad.  I got home and was in tears I was feeling so terrible.  My step mom I guess didn’t bother to talk to my dad and just assumed I was having more emotional problems, so this morning I woke up to the note “If you need to talk [yada yada….]”.  The thing about her is that she never asks how I’m doing unless it practically looks like I’m gonna die so don’t go thinking she’s the sweetest most caring lady ever.  After reading the note I threw it away thinking that’s the logical thing to do, and an hour later when I’m back in bed a get a text from my dad “finding that note [your stepmom] wrote in the garbage can was sad and discouraging”…. I’m sorry but what the hell?  Was I supposed to frame it or something?  Last time I checked pieces of useless paper go in the garbage. Please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.  I’d love to get people writing back to me (not necessarily about this.  But you get it.)

        On a different note my dad got me chicken noodle soup (about 150 calories per can) and cough drops (15 calories each... uh oh).  For breakfast I ate some plain toast and a banana.  I’ve eaten a can of soup already and plan of having the other one for dinner.  My one weakness is saltine crackers.  I love filling my soup with them but there are 60 calories in five of them. This is a little bit of a problem for me.  So I literally ate about half a thing of saltines with my first bowl of soup.  And because of this I’m not having any with my dinner soup.  If I have dinner soup at all.  This morning when I stepped out of bed I was 119.2 hip hip horray!  But now that I ate all those saltines and am too sick to work out I feel like I’ll weigh in the 120’s again tomorrow, which is why I’m temped to not eat dinner.  What’s the saying? Skipping dinner makes one thinner?  I’ll probably be home tomorrow too so I could just save the other can for tomorrow.  And the more I think about it, the more sense it makes.  I’ll probably end up doing some exercises anyway.

        I heard that lack of sleep affects peoples diet in that they’re more prone to giving into cravings and binging.  If this is true I’m gonna be screwed because I’m going on my fourth day without barely any sleep.  If anyone has any tips on how to avoid this besides sleeping obviously (trust me I’ve tried). I’d love to get some feedback.  Thanks for reading :)

Getting Better

breakfast-toast with penut butter and bananas on top. about 250 calories
lunch- nada
dinner- grapefruit. 100 calories
    Three fifty calories total isn't bad.  I'm now going to fill my dvd player with P90X CD's and press random.  I'll try to do two but usually P90X bores me so I quit after one.  I'll probably end up doing a disc of P90X and then maybe half an hour of zumba or something. 
     Something tells me that when I weigh myself in the morning tomorrow I'll be in the teens! yes!  I just weighed myself fully clothed and it said 122.4 or something.
    I don't have too much to talk about today... My ex came to town and wanted to go get coffe, so we went and got him coffe.  I got away with "My friend just started working at a coffee shop so I can get free coffee whenever I want" (Not that I've ever taken her up on it.)  It was nice catching up, but kind of awkward. I expected it to be though.
    Reguarding Moose, my friend told me to call the cops and file a complaint or whatever, but I wouldn't feel right about it for so many reasons.  First of all I think he thought I was 18; not that that makes it better, but.... it kind of does.  Second of all, it means I'd have to tell my dad I was getting drunk with a bunch of twenty something year olds while I was supposed to be watching the house.  Third of all, he has a wife and kids.  No matter how disgusting what he did is, the last thing I want to be is a real "homewrecker" with out even trying.  Fourth, I'm still ashamed.  I probably could have done more.  I hate when people blame the alcohol.  I just can't imagine seeing him again, which I'm sure will happen sooner or later.  And fifth, I'm just worried he'd be more believable.  I have terrible luck with grown ups.  Police, parents, teachers; we're just not on the same level.  Ah well... I think this will me another gross secret I'll sweep under the rug.

drinking

     

I know I said I’d quit ranting about drugs, but hey I lied.  They’re always in my life, and I talk about my life, so I’m gonna have to talk about those sometimes.  Not just because of last night but in general, given the choice between weed and alcohol I’d choose weed for many different reasons.  Not as bad for you, zero calories, you'll never wake up with a headache or stomachache, you'll stay in control of yourself all night, and if you're like me, alcohol tends to put me in bad situations. For example….

  Last night I was drinking with a friend.  I was expecting to just get drunk and watch Gilmore girls all night... it didn't really turn out like that.  My friend and I decided to go for a walk and about halfway through it she got a call from one of her friends to go to a party at their house.  My friend is 22 and all the people at the party were 23 or older.  Unbeknownst to me, she was telling everybody I was 18(which I’m not mad about, because let’s face it. I like guys older than me.  Who wouldn’t?).  About halfway through the night, some guy who I still don't know his real name, (everyone was calling him moose) came up and asked me if I’d seen the roof. I hadn't so he took me up there. We crawled out a window and up two ladders, and looked out across the city.  I don't know how it happened, but all of a sudden he was kissing me and sticking his tongue in my mouth.  I told him I couldn't and to stop and that I was cold and afraid of heights, all of which were true, but he kept going and starting touching my "downstairs" if you know what I mean.  I was shaking and shivering, and he kept commenting on how cold I was, but we didn't get off the roof until about ten or fifteen minutes later.  When we went back down he didn't really try to talk to me at all, which I was fine with.  It might have been because a different guy was talking himself up to me.  If there's one thing I can’t stand, it when guys never stop talking and just brag and tell you stories about themselves all night.  By the time six in the morning rolled around I decided it was time to pass out. I crawled half way up the stairs and passed out.  Maybe five minutes later, Moose came and woke me up. To be perfectly honest I can’t even remember what he said but i ended up on a couch in a room with a cat box pretty filled up with poo.  I feel really guilty and ashamed about the Moose thing.  I clearly shouldn’t have gone to the roof in the first place, but I was curious and very very drunk.

    I woke up the next day with a terrible stomachache.  I drank water and ate a banana and an apple but it didn't help.  My friend took me to the bagel shop so I could get some starch in my stomach (yay) so I had a blueberry bagel with cream cheese.  i got home and had half a small tuna sandwich and still felt like crap so mi sleep until about five thirty, when I woke up my parents had made me dinner so i had a baked potato and asparagus.  So I had a ton of starch today and zero exercise.  This is why I never drink. That whole night and this morning was a prime example.  I can’t wait to work out tomorrow and not eat like a fat pig!  Tomorrow I'm hanging out with an ex boyfriend who went to college so that will be fun too.  I'm more than ready to be done with this weekend.

mission successful

Yesterday was the most successul day I've had in a reall long time.  I woke up and had a 300 calorie breakfast.  At first sight this may seem a little excessive, but the only other thing I ate was an apple.  I did think about food every once in a while but it was matched with a stronger thought of you’re too fat for this don’t even think about it.  I give all the credit to not smoking during the day. Even though I gave myself 200 calories for the rest of the day, I didn’t eat anything else.  Today I’ve eaten a grapefruit and I’m not really sure what else I want.  It’s crazy how I have no appetite right now.  I’m so used to being high and having the munchies that when I don’t it’s just weird. Being able to just say no and leave it at that is nice.  Still miss it though and it’s only been a day.

 I don’t want anyone to have the wrong impression of weed.  I’m not addicted or experiencing withdrawal symptoms. It’s not like that, because weed isn’t like that.  I just miss it because it’s a comfort.  It’s like a little smokable kitten that cuddles me from the inside. I know that’s a weird analogy but bear with me. Not only that but it literally makes everything more enjoyable.   Unless you try it, there is no way anyone could describe it (that’s not me encouraging everyone to go out and smoke. I’m just saying).  But during the day I can live without it.  Since I made the rule that I can’t eat after seven; that means that I only can smoke after seven. I think that’ll solve a lot of problems.  Well that’s my last rant about drugs probably.

                For exercise I worked out with a wrestler at our school.  I didn’t know it before, but if there’s one sport that knows about losing tons of weight, it’s the wrestling team.  So we worked out. Hard. I have to say it was the best workout I’ve had in a long time, including my weightlifting class that I have for about 50 minutes a day (on school days).  It’s not really a work out but I had work yesterday too and was walking and lifting things for four and a half hours.  Yesterday is what I wish everyday was like. 

                As well as calorie restricting, I’m going to load up on water.  My friend said that helps a lot with weight loss. Although I drink a lot of water anyway I don’t know how much more I can drink but I’ll try my hardest.  Any other suggestion let me know! 

 My current weight is 122

boring kinda day.

I think I ate about 1,500 calories to day.  Which is awesome if i want to stay fat and miserable.  I essentially ate all my calories between 7 anf 8:30 too.  The problem with when i eat is it tend to be foods that arent good for binging.  Not that I want to binge a lot anway, but it creates a problem... I can't even finish that thought because i realize i am the problem I'm the only one holding me back from eaing skinny. All I need t do is not eat, and have will power. I know I can!  I realize most if not all my posts sound kind of whiny.  I'll work on that becasue I'm really not like that in person.  I must just be disheartened.
        I have an ana buddy (if anyone else wants an ana buddy contact me) and it helps for the most part to control what i eat, but sometimes i binge and just neglect to tell her... which defeats the purpose of an ana buddy.  im going to try to find someone who will check up on me an make sure im not eating
        In other news I audtioned for a music competiotion today. The prize is 1,000 dollars and I could really use it.  Tomorrow my step mom is going out of town so i'll have a little time to spend with my dad and im looking forward to that. Anyway more developments tomorrow. night!

I am a failure. Plain and simple

I cheated yesterday ( ate a salad) cheated this morning ( made myself a big breakfast, and just in general am a failure at sticking to things. The only way I'll be able to lose weight is if I quit smoking weed for a while. Or only ONLY smoke right before bed. Whoever said weed destroys anorexia is completely right. It just sucks for me because I smoke so much. Smoking enhances so many things in my life.. In fact it enhances most things. It isn't like alcohol at all for me. I rarely drink and when I do I don't drink much ( unless it a really really special occasion). I wish I could consume food the way I consume alcohol. And I probably would if it wasn't for the ganja. When I'm sober I can say no to food and eat exactly how I want to; healthy and small amounts. When I smoke, my brain tells it's self "you deserve this. Think of how other people eat." Or, "just one more wont make a difference". And the second I sober up I realize once again how disgusting and fat I am. That is honestly the one and only downside weed has for me and it wouldn't even be a downside if I didn't have an eating disorder. It will probably be hard not to smoke during the day especially since I'm so used to doing that.
I heard if you can starve for about four days it get much easier after because you adjust to eating small amounts and your appetite goes away. If anyone has advice about anything that will push me back into the swing of things that would be awesome. Thanks!

First day done

Completed the first day of the military diet. It wasn't bad at all. Breakfast was half a grapefruit toast penut butter and an exedrin. The excedrin was because I needed a form of caffeine with the breakfast and I have no 0 cal sweetener and hate black coffee. Caffeinated tea works too, but the only kind of tea I like isn't caffeinated. For lunch I had another exedrin ( need caffeine again), a piece of bread and 1/2 or a fourth cup of tuna I can't remember, which I turned into a sandwich. For dinner I had three turkey cold cuts, and cup of green beans, 1/2 a banana, an apple and a cup of ice cream. I'll admit I had an extra spoonful of the ice cream. It was delicious and I'm still fat. I need someone that will be harsh with me and keep me on track. But for now I'll do the absolute best I can.

Insomnia

I have the strangest sleeping patterns as well as eating. I've come to the conclusion that I won't be able to fall asleep again, so I might as well just write another blog. As far as the military diet goes I have to restart it today because little did I know I didn't have all the supplies I needed. But I went grocery shopping yesterday and am fully prepared. If this helps me lose ten lbs I will be so unbelievably happy. This week is messed up too because the sophomores are CRT testing so I'll have time in the morning to work out.

Military diet

Starting today I'm trying the military diet. It's acclaimed to help you lose ten lbs in two days. I don't know how much I believe that but any things worth a try. Breakfast today was a live of toast two table spoons of peanut butter and half a grapefruit with tea. You can use coffee too but I don't have any 0 cal sweetener and I dislike black coffee to say the least. It's only a three day long diet but I think I'll go with it for a long time until I quit seeing results.
That's kind of the weird thing about me. People say eating disorders are all about control but at the same time I need to be told specific things to eat and when because when I try on my own I tend to screw things up. For example I'll get really high and let my friend convince me to eat four pieces of taco pizza...
This diet is nice because they tell you what TO eat, not WHAT NOT TO eat which can be frustrating because I've found when I'm telling myself not to eat something all of a sudden I want it more. Anyway this first day will be easy I'll post about my munch and dinner later. Thanks for reading this!

Intro and stats

Hello. I have tried twice before to make a blog and I'm always bad at remembering  to keep up with it. I'm going to try to keep up with this blog though because I need to practice determination. I'm 5'2" 125 lbs and have had an ED for about three and a half years. But lately it's been dawning on me just how disgusting I am. And I want to weigh 80 lbs or 90lbs by June.   I really encourage leaving comments (if you're pro Ana. Otherwise please keep it to yourself because telling someone it's unhealthy to starve isn't going to make them not want to starve).  I would appreciate advice and encouragement and if I fail or binge and write about it, thinspiring comments are good too :). Anyway today I've eaten a grapefruit and two lives of toast I don't plan on eating anything for the rest of the day, I just wanted to get my metabolism going. I'm going to try the three day military diet the second I get a chance. I just need to go shopping first. I binge sometimes but try not to because its hard for me to purge. Anyway if I eat something terrible today I'll post about it later. Also fun diets to try. Pretty much any questions or comments you have just let me know! Thanks for reading I'll try to keep up with this