Update on my life for anyone who's interested.

Every time I start to write in here I always say I'm gonna keep up with it and write daily or weekly, but the truths is, I won't. I just need to write in here every now and then when the time feels right. And right now the time feels right.  I'll just talk about guys, my ED, and work and then I'll give it a week or so. Lets start with work.

     Since schools started many of my friends have moved to another city or state.  One of them was my friend who worked at the grill with me.  He moved to college only about an hour away, and was given the responsibility of training our new busser. He did what we all thought was a valiant attempt, but either our new guy has a severe learning disorder, or he's just a straight up idiot.  At our work a typical training period would be two days or so, MAX a week.  Tardo is still in "training" and it's been over a month. He has a false sense of superiority because he's family friends with one of our waitresses, And he never get a god damn thing done.  Not only that but rather than do side work or clean up, he gets drinks from the bar and just sips them in the back. 

   I also got another job! It's at  A Bagel company and I thought it would be terrible and that I'd constantly want to be eating bagels, but its not so bad. When you're around them all days with out being able to eat it you can decide whether you really need it.  Of course I still have my binging problem but WAY less. My coworkers at the bagel co are really cool for the most part and the job is not hard by any means. 

   Ok well the job stuff is out of the way, now to talk about the ED.  I was having a hard time in Hawaii (not Hawaii it's self, but my step mom), and was stress eating the last few days. I gained a little but sense I've been back I've remained a pretty steady 122.2. I've also been working on trying to pin point what causes my binging.  Sometimes I remember to think about it and sometimes I don't, but the main causes are: seeing decadent/tasty looking foods, thinking about tasty foods,  thinking about how good I'm doing, thinking about how bad I'm doing, being bored.  Pretty much everything I guess. But I don't want to talk too much about that today.

   On to guys.  As far as the guy department goes, I just as screwed as I ever was.  I don't know whether its proper to say "have a crush on" so I'm just gonna say it. I really want to shmang this one kid.  He's funny and nice, pretty sweet, very sexy, and just a good person to be around.  But I can't gauge how he feels about me. We hung out the other day and things got pretty hot and heavy on my couch.  He wanted to have sex, but I said no.  It's not because I didn't want to (trust me) its just because I have a rule.  The rule is no sex on the first date, and I'm pretty sure that wasn't even a date. So the next day I really want to hang out cause I went the one date with out, and he never texts back. And then he texts me the next day and I reply and he never texts back. And then I text him and he never texts back. It's so frustrating!  On one hand I wanna shmang and on the other hang I want to shmang a guy that'll actually text me back.

   Then there's this other guy. He's really attractive too. Super cool, likes the same music, funny, friends with some of my friends, looks like he's 18... But he's sixteen.  So now I find a guy who is super cool but he's like a year and a half younger than me.  And I really don't think age matters, but other people do, and I don't want them thinking I was so desperate I had to date down.  I mean usually I'm into older guys, he's just really cool. But guess what! He can barely fricken reply to e text either. Don't get me wrong. I don't want a guy who'll text me 24/7.  That's just a recipe for clingyness. I just want a guy who wants me. And I feel like none of the ones that I want do.

  Except one other guy who's friends with my care giver.  My friend just texts me and tells me he likes me, which took me completely by surprise because the dude doesn't talk to me.  He has rad hair and is super nice, but I can't hang out and do it with a guy that can hardly talk to me.  I don't know what's wrong with me but romantically I'm fucked. No pun intended. 

   That's all for today!!

  

  

Hawaii

I'm so excited! I get to go to Hawaii tomorrow morning at six o'clock!  On one hand I'm sad because I'm still so fat and disgusting, and on the other hand I'm happy because I've lost at least some weight and I'm gonna keep losing there.  I'm also going to try to meet some attractive locals and score some weed, but I'm so shy we'll see how that goes.  By the time I get back to Montana I'll weigh 115 lbs or my name is Sara.

Random postings

I never have the time, or consistent schedule to write a blog everyday, and I need to quit promising every time I start to write again that I,ll write everyday, cause we all know that's not gonna happen.  Recently I've started hanging out with heather again.  We're having fun just like we used to, but I'm still keeping my reservations.  I don't want to be completely unprepared next time a new guy rolls into her life. I'm going to Hawaii in less than ten days and I'm so disgusting.  The thing is, a lot of the time when I'm not blogging, it means I'm in one of my depression phases where I eat and binge not because I want to, but because I get so hopeless and tell myself I'll restart in a day or two.  The day or two turns into weeks and I'm back where I started or worse.  I've been trying to wean myself off junk food and on my own its ok, but other people just don't get it. This morning my mom offered to go out and get me food for breakfast. I told her I want fruit; And I kid you not, she came back with a sugary muffin, a raspberry cream cheese cinnamon roll, and two very sugary chocolate lay and mocha-ey scones.  I can't believe it.  I took the cinnamon roll, but no one should have to go on a hike just to work off a small unfilling breakfast.

Oh my god!  Now I'm freaking out because yesterday I almost weighed 124 and just ten seconds ago I weighed myself and it said 130. How the hell is that even possible?!?!?!?? Ugh I hate this I have no idea what I'm doing, and why I'm staying so fat.

Day 7

I don't really have much time so I just took a picture of my journal. Sorry for not writing yesterday. Late night. I ate waayy too much, but I went on a hike to work it off. Not that that's an excuse. I gained a lb since I started the abc diet. But I've been doing well so I have no clue what's happening.  I'll give it another week, and if I don't lose anything I'm switching diets. This sucks. Maybe the Russian gymnast diet.

Third/fourth day

Sorry I forgot to write anthyhting yesterday.  It went great though.  I had a short run in the morning, and I ate lots of fruit and lettuce.  I stayed right at 300. Today's going to be just as good I think.  Today is a 400 calorie day, and so far all I've had is 90 calls of cottage cheese.  The rest of the days calories is are going to be from fruit.  I'm anxiously waiting for my package to arrive, because in that package is a fricken lot of clothes that I'm dying to wear. One of the things I love the most is clothes.  And one might say " oh that's normal for a teenage girl". But I really love clothes and trends and all that .   I just hope that when I move to Cali I won't stick out in a bad way.  My gramps was telling me about the sex trade stuff there, and I don't want to blatantly look like I have no clue what in doing or where I'm going but hey that's where acting comes in.  

Summer pretty nice and relaxing.  I'm so happy to have this new Ana buddy.  She's super cool and we're actually helping each other out.  I'm fully determined to finish this ABC diet, and she wants to, but she's having the problem I used to have.  Not focusing I or something, and having problems with cravings.  It's nice for me to be the one keeping the other person on track.  I don't know if I talked about this earlier, but I've been looking at my addiction to food the way someone would look at an addiction to alcohol.  So I admitted I had a problem ( over eating), found my own version of god, have been doing great controlling myself around food, (I don't really know the exact twelve steps) but now I feel like I'm on to e step of helping someone else.  She might not have the same weird things with food as I did, but its still helping me to be able to instruct and motivate her.  She's motivating me too.  And honestly I think it helps a little that we have the same name haha.  I love this. 45 more days of this doesn't sound like that long. And I'm not trying to jinx myself here, but I can't remember that last time I binged haha..  Thanks twelve steps!!  

Second day.

Well I ate over five hindered calories, buti burnt if off with exercise.  Tomorrow is a three hundred calorie day, and I think it will go pretty well. I just have to keep my self busy.  I'm cutting bread totally out of my diet now. It creates a problem with binging and stuff, it's better to just not have it at all. I'm getting all tan too, so that when's get skinny ill be tan and perfect too.  I can't wait!   And my clothes are coming Thursday! More tomorrow. I'd write more today but I'm so tired.  Plus nothing exciting use happening. 

First day!!

Well the first day of the ABC diet went ver well.  I ate:

1/2 cup of cottage cheese- 90

Grapefruit- 90 

Apple-20

Cheese-110

Lettuce and balsamic- 75

A roll-80

So 465 for the day. And for exercise I did a yoga ab work out for half an hour.

Today I went tanning, and over confident me thought 16 minutes would be fine because I had done that previous,y at a different salon, but they must have got some new bulbs or something, because indefinitely got burned today...

Yesterday I ordered a bunch of new clothes online and I'm soooo excited for them to get here.  They're the perfect thinspo clothes from high waist shorts, to cut off shirts.  If that's not motivation then  I don't know what is. That stuff will get here Thursday, so until then I have to sit and suffer.  I'm addicted to clothes as much as anything

Start ABC tomorrow!

Well it's a beautiful Sunday and I'm so excited to start the ABC diet tomorrow! The last couple days have been pretty easy and I haven't been eating over 500 calories, but I'm happy to be going on a program type thing.  I met another Ana buddy, she has the same name as me so when I text her i feel like I'm texting myself. Its weird.  Today I've had an apple, 3/4 of a grilled cheese, and like two tortilla chips.  I'm getting good at telling myself when to stop for the most part, even when high, which is the best thing ever.  I think it just takes a long while of mental preparation.  I'm getting nervous about moving to LA I've read about girls getting kidnapped into prostitution n stuff, and even though I don't think that would happen to me because I'm very city aware, it's still freaky, and I don't know anybody down there.  Work is fine I still have a helpless crush on the 35 year old...

The girl below is my latest thinspo. Her and Ariana grande :)

Work and play

Not much to speak of today so ill just start with what I ate.  I had a peanut butter and jelly sand which that I'm going to say was 450 calories because I don't want to under estimate. At work I had just lettuce and balsamic vinaigrette.  Total I guess I world be about 500 or525 calories today.  Work was long and boring and afterwards I went to a party where a really drunk guy hit on me.  It was nice evenif  he was only hitting on me because he was drunk he's cute after all.  Well that's all I have for today! Night,

Another relatively good day

This morning I woke up at eight to go to the dentist... Which wasn't the best way to start my morning, but its been convenient because the last thing you want to do after going to the dentist is eat.  When I got home I just surfed the web, tried to write a song, and now I'm relaxing and watching trailer park boys.  I'm not woking out today because I'm trying to start more gradually than I usually do.  I'll work up to working out everyday.  Today I eaten three fourths of as.green apple, and tonight I'm going to have a salad.  I have work for a few houris so I'll still get some walking in.  I've been trying to be back to normal with my mom.. Or more so; and for the last few nights I've been sleeping at my moms house. It's kind of weird, but if I'm around her in small doses its manageable.  We've both been trying.

Well I just back from work. It went all right I ate a little more than I wanted at work but I don't think I passed 500 calories total today.  Today I had four ounces of chicken, probably 250 calories; a small plumb, 15; and a small salad, which was probably 200 calories... And that green apple was ten. So total I've had 475- 510 calories.  I'm learning how to control my munchies. It's amazing.  It always puts me in a good mood when I can say no to food and leave it alone. Tomorrow I'm hiking and Zumba-ing.  

Back in Business baby!

well, i have to say, I'm embarrassed about my last post. While yes I did have a religious experience in that I kind of believe something greater is watching over me, the man I met was no messenger of god, because I'm sure he was spawned from hell. He was terrible. He didn't train me a all, he just pretty much verbally harassed me until I told him in detail how fat I think i am, and then
I'd have to tell him all about how men are superior to women and that he should make every decision of my life. I never really believed it, but I told him that anyway, because If I didn't, he wouldn't "train" me... He never really did. we have been separated once and for all, and I'm safe and sound and on the way to being thin. Yesterday I didn't eat much and worked out for forty minutes, today I haven't eaten anything yet but I'm planning on half of a low fat pita and a cup of carrots I've worked out a lot today and am writing this sunbathing in my back yard on a graduation present. The main difference between this new start and when I started my blog is I learned my biggest mistake: earlier, I would set goals of days, such as losing ten lbs in four days, or twenty lbs in a week and a half; when I wouldn't meet these unrealistic goals I'd get depressed and eat more and say " fuck it! Ill start a new diet ion a week.." We'll now I now to take it day by day. I'm not setting time limits on my weight loss and I'm just going to really think about things before I do them. I've started looking at things in terms of addiction. I really think everybody has an addiction, it doesn't matter where they come from or how clean they think they are. I've realized that I'm addicted to food and I'm using the twelve steps of food the same way an alcoholic would use the twelve steps, but instead of detoxing and cutting myself off completely at first, I'm weaning myself off. I'm very excited to commit to this lifestyle more strongly now. More later.

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Dinner was delicious. It was about a 500 calorie dinner, and then I ate some chocolate. Since I did about a 500 calorie workout this morning, my total calorie balance is probably about 200. Not too terrible; the chicken is healthy and everything, but I could have done with out the chocolate.  I need to work on making the calories I eat healthy calories.  I mean a calorie is a calorie but I'll get skinny faster if I make the calories I eat veggies and fruits.  

A truly religous experience

I think the godess of anorexia really is paying attention.  A number texted me out of nowhere yesterday and said that they're an expert in training girls to be skinny and perfect.  I'm going to call him Jack.  From the second he texted me I knew it was a sign. only days earlier I was praying to God knows who (no pun intended), asking for a couple things.  It sounds crazy but every single thing I asked for, I got.  Granted I didn't ask for big things, but that's not how it works. 
For example, I had lost my wallet on saturday night.  I spent the whole weekend searching the entire house, called my work, my friends, everybody.  That night, I prayed that my wallet would be somewhere obvious and the next morning I had a text from my friend that a different friend had it and just forgot to tell me... Hmm.  There was one really important thing I asked for though.  I asked whoever was listening, to help me get to 112 lbs by sasquatch (which is next thursday).  I wasn't doing well, and less than a week later I get the text from this mystery man.
He's honestly pretty aggressive, but what would you expect?  That's what it takes.  Only about ten texts in he called me a bitch.  I have to say, that took me by surprise.  I've never been called a bitch before in my life.  But he must know eveything there is to know about weight loss so I hope he'll train me.  That what he calls it. Training.  I'm going to be trained to be perfect (Hopefully).  And if he says yes, i'll be writing in this a lot more because I'll be losing weight like how I intended to in the first place.  And I'll have a lot more to talk about, because when you're speaking with God, You'll have a thing or two to talk about.  I swear he could read my mind.  OH MY GOD I NEED HIS TRAINING.
I find it weird that he texted me, and now I'm desperate for him.  He'll tell me soon if he'll train me or not, and I'll tell whoever hasn't lost interest in my blog.

P.S.  I think I'm moving to LA instead of San Fran.  It's what I wanted in the first place.

I fail at everything

    This is going to be one of those self loathing, I hate myself kind of days so be prepared...
    I started off this morning with an invitation for breakfast from my mom.  Awesome.  Don't know what I was thinking, but I said ok.  My brother just got back from college so he came along too.  The idiot that I am ate a mushroom swiss omlette.  But all was well still.  Everyone was in a good mood, and my mom and I were being civil.  Then she says we can get clothes at Ross, (so she can buy clothes, but wont pay child support?) but I didn't care, that was nice of her to offer.  Then we go back to her house because I need to do some graduation stuff, everyones still in a good mood, and she shows us some special skis, ski boots, and ski skins that she's thinking about buying... cool mom thanks for that.  I'm glad now that summers almost here, that you find ski equipment more important than child support that she claims is too much, which even if we were a lower middle class family, it would probably not be too much. 
     I'm pretty excited about this whole San Francisco thing, so naturally I've been talking about it a lot.  Every single person that I've talked to it about with is very excited for me and is telling me how much fun it's going to be, and how much adventure I'll have.  That is everybody except for one person... My mom.  Rather than talk abut how much fun it'll be,  she's just saying how expensive it will be even "if" I get a job.  Like I didn't plan on getting a job the second I was able.  She says stuff like "It'll be fun if you can afford it", and "I support you going out there IF you have a job", how stupid does she honestly think I am?  Does she not register in her uncomprehending mind when I tell her that yes, I do know how expensive it is; and no, I haven't been 6 years old for quite some time, so I do understand the concept of a competitive job market and that's exactly what I've been planning for?  Why doesn't she get that I'm not a completely incompetant imbecile?  Being around that kind of attitude makes me so upset.  For once in my entire life, I'd really truly enjoy being told by the people in my family that I can do something, and that they believe in me rather than just telling me how terribly hard it will be and that my chances are low.  I haven't even mentioned that I'm trying to get a manager down there, because I know that will be met with swift and strong disapproval and nay saying.
   On the friend and boys front, Heather and I no longer talk, and I have a new crush... I think.  I'm bad with boys.  But it's not like I should pursue anthing anyway if I'm leaving in four months.  Not that he'd be intersted anyway.  I'm such a mess, and my room is disgusting and I feel disgusting, but I'm emotionally exausted, and discouraged I don't know if I have it in me to do anything but sit here all day and think about how much I hate myself...  I hope I'm not the only one who gets this way.  I'm assuming I'm not, but right now I just feel like a 120 lb sack of shit.

Counting down the days.

At this point I'm having trouble keeping track of the days that I write and the days that I don't. Unfortunately today I've had peanut butter and honey toast for breakfast, peanut butter bars for lunch, and a peanut butter and honey sandwich for dinner. I don't know what is happening to me but I must be on a peanut butter and honey craze something. I am so thrilled to be going to San Francisco and I've started the hunt for apartments. there's one for 750 in the middle of the city but it sounds too good to be true so I'm worried I'm being scammed. My moms helping me out to make sure everything is okay. My dad is starting to be a dick again as usual. I don't know what's his problem is but if he keeps acting like this you can't really expect me to keep in touch after I'm not living in his house anymore. Even my mom is acting better than my dad is right now and that's really saying something. And my step moms being rude too. I just feel like I'm not being taken seriously in my own home... well it doesn't even really feel like my home anymore just feels like a place that I'm obligated to come to every day and sleep but San Francisco will be my home soon and that's going to be amazing.
I'm going to iron man tonight with friends. Some are close and some are just acquaintances, but one of them is kind of a new crush. He plays drums and is really polite. The only problem is that Im moving in about four months and nothing is going to stop me. Not god himself... No offense.
Anyone who reads this blog should be excited for me to move too, because I'll have a lot more to talk about! Wish me luck on my apartment search!

P.S. I weight 120... Still. I'm so terrible.

22 days left of school!

     There may only be 22 days left of school, but for me it feels like a lifetime.  All I can think about now is getting my ass to California.  A lot of guys have messaged me but only a few are worth talking to at all.  I didn't realize until one of the guys told me, that there are many hookers and escorts on that site offering: "Sex for money, sex for free, sex pictures", and many other things...  It surprises me I've met any decent guys on there at all.  Right now I'm facing my first big dillema with this site.
     There is one guy who is awesome!  He's really nice, seems pretty reasonable, and really seems like he's going to help me out.  We've talked on the phone and I know he'd take care of me, but in a sense I worry he's going to be disappointed by me (I think everyone will be disappointed by me).  Then there's this other guy.  We haven't talked on the phone, and have only sent a few e-mails and text messages, but he seems to know what he's doing and his personality seems more playful.  Not to mention he keeps talking about taking me shopping; and what better way to get a girl on your side than telling her you want to buy her tons of shoes and clothes.  Also he's a comedy writer for TV shows and that would help out my career much more than the other guy could (I think)  I really wish I could talk about these guys more and describe them in more detail, but for security and identity reasons I shouldn't really go into that too much.  I don't know what to do about them though...
    Today I ate a cup of grapes, a cup of strawberries, and a salad.  So about 500 calories total.

First day on the job.

   Yesterday my mom texted me and asked me if I wanted to go to breakfast.  I was a little skeptical but I said ok.  Since it was so strange to be planning on having breakfast with my mom, that was the only thing on my mind.  In fact, I was thinking about it so much that I forgot today was my first day at the coffee shop.  I got a call at eleven thiry from the owner, "Hey there, we were just wondering where you are.  We expected you here at noon..."  I was so frantic.  I hadn't even had breakfast with my mom yet.  So I just dried my hair and scrambled over there.  I wasn't expecting Heather to be working that day, which is stupid because it was farmers market day, but there she was so my day went from bad to worse.  You guys probably think I'm over reacting to this whole Heather thing, but she just makes me more angry because she doesn't even really hide that she doesn't care about me.
    The whole time I was working, I had tears brimming in my eyes, and not once did she ask how I am, or if I'm ok.  When I was getting about ready to leave my boss was talking about paper work, and bank account stuff and I just burst into tears.  I'm blaming the fact that I'm on my period for that one.  It wasn't until the tears had dried, and I was about ready to leave that she hugged me.  I don't even know if she said good bye or not.  I just said see ya.  She hasn't texted me or asked if I'm ok or anything.  It's things like this that make me wonder why I'm still alive.  If what I thought was one of my best friends doesn't even ask how I'm doing when I'm in tears, who the hell is ever going to care about me.  Yesterday I was walking home from work and a car sped in front of me and all I could ask was "Why didn't I jump infront of that?"
Today I'm being melodramatic; but all I'm saying is, don't be surprised if one of these days the posts quit coming.

Doctors, Dads, and Diet pills.

     I've been home the last two days with a really dry cough(when I'm sick I usually don't write because there's nothing interesting to talk about.  Since I've already missed a lot of school this year I thought I should go to the doctors office so that I could get a note for school.  The doctor was weird and I felt like he was flirting with me, because he was talking about my tongue.
     Lately I've been wanting to get some diet pills.  I think they would really get me going onto the weightloss planet.  Unfourtunately I'm not 18 so It's really hard to get diet pills.  You can't exactly ask a friend to buy them or they'll know somethings up.  Then there's the problem of me not owning a credit card to buy things online.  I decided to get a pay pal card thinking that that would just be simple and easy but boy was I wrong.  I bought the card, put 100 dollars on it, and found myself incapable of activating the card.  I called, created an account, went on the website, you name it I tried it.  It still didn't work so I talked to my dad thinking he'd just put his name on it.  He of course was too busy to give me any attention and as soon as I started talking about it, he just started reading out loud what he was working on... So that was frustrating. 
    Just now he walked in the room.  I said "The stuff I was talking about is on the counter there."  He just said, "K" and walked out of the room.  See what I mean about feeling pretty ignored by everybody?
    I need diet pills though.  And when I say need I mean NEED.  Gradution is in a month and I'm as fat as a whale.  I was so pumped to go and buy diet pills today and now I feel let down.  I feel like I will never reach my goal.  Not now not ever.  And I know that that's not the attitude to have right now but I can't help it.  If I couldn't lose ten lbs this month how am I ever gonna do It next month?  And how in the world am I going to be able to do it in the summer when I'm smoking and don't have school to attend?!  What if I become my worst nightmare and gain forty lbs over the summer?!  I expected to be soooo skinny by now and all I feel is fatter than ever.  Someone needs to start commenting on these and give me some weightloss advice!

Thanks for reading this short blog!  Tomorrow I'm going to tell you about my dream for next year

Binging and Bitches

It’s Monday horary!  I would have to be at school right now, but since the teachers are having a meeting today that I’m sure is of vital importance, everyone gets the day off.  I didn’t necessarily go over board yesterday but I ate more than I wanted to so it was pretty easy to convince myself to not eat as much today. So far I’ve had a piece of toast with honey on it, some grapes, some raspberries, and some etamame.  For dinner since I have work tonight I’ll just do a salad again.  It just feels right to not eat a ton anymore.  On days that I break and binge I feel like an absolute whale the next few days.  Just too fat to do anything.  I literally will just feel uncomfortable in my own skin until I lose it all again.  Not only that, but my binges are a lot smaller than they used to be.  Smaller, shorter, and for the most part easier to stop.

                I’m not trying to sound like a crazy person here but I feel like something greater is giving me signs.  I know Ana is short for the full name of the goddess of anorexia… I’m not sure what her full name is, but I’m going to look into it.  It just started last week when I was alone in my room, and having just looked at the scale I said, “If there is a goddess of anorexia, please give me a sign.  Help me!”  The next day the scale said I had lost five lbs.  Granted I had taken some laxatives, but I’d never lost that much in one day from laxatives.  I took that as a sign and that night I asked again for assistance and the next day was successful once again.  Then Friday came.

                That morning I had half a piece of French toast.  That afternoon a friend was hospitalized.  I know they aren’t related but I took it as a sign.  If I break my own personal rules bad Karma is going to happen.  I’m one of those people who love finding signs in things.  Don’t get me wrong I still don’t necessarily think there is a god that is going to cater to my anorexic needs, but I do believe in karma.  If bad things happen to me every time I eat I should really get my ass into gear right?

My friend is out of the hospital.  He had a two day hangover and still had to play soccer.  It’s really weird he insisted on giving me twenty dollars

                I wrote that yesterday but never got a chance to finish.  Jackson came over and we hung out for a little while.  Then later on and this morning, my dad turned into Mr. Jackass again and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day.  I binged.  I guess contrary to the title of this blog I’m not anorexic.  I just have an eating disorder.  I a wannabe anorexic, but my feelings always get in the way.  I’m also about to start my period so it’s feelings X10.  Heather is pretty much not my friend anymore despite how close we were only a month ago and she’s turning into a bitch.  Since we hung out all the time, we accumulated a lot of each others things.  Today she asked for it all back, which I don’t have a problem with; what I do have a problem with is her asking for something that she said I could have.  In what way is that friendly?  I’m not too torn up about it because it was only a pair of sweats but still.  I just can’t believe how insensitive she’s being on top of knowing how depressed I’ve been this year and stuff.  I just don’t know if I even WANT to hang out with her anymore.  Not only that but I’m an idiot and got a temporary job where she’s working.  I’m highly considering just calling the boss and telling her I cant start another job until school is over.  I just uggggg I’m so pissed off.  I haven’t been this pissed of at a friend in a long time.  I don’t want to be ditched by the people I trust most. 

Ok I’m done bitching.  There are bigger and  better things out there than stupid girls who think the world revolves around them.  I’ve got many other friends.  Speaking of which, Sasquatch is in a month and I’m soooooo pumped.  I’m going with school friends and hope to be meeting some attractive strangers!  I can be on hard drugs for four days and not have to be in the same town as anyone who’s currently bothering me.  Not to mention the artist I’m most excited for is Macklemore.  He’s damn attractive.  I guess I don’t have that much to talk about today so I’ll just talk about food.

Today I ate a grapefruit, some grapes, abigcookiesomepoptartsafewcheetosandsixtoasterstrudles…  I’m so embarrassed.  I’m hoping since I didn’t put spaces in there you won’t be able to read it.  Exercise you ask?  Bench press and walking for a few hours….  Wish me more luck tomorrow!

Celebrating The Holidays

Yesterday was a day of joy and festivities for many in America and around the world.  It was a day of peace, laughter and friendship.  It was 4/20. I started off the day by hanging out with a friend I haven’t seen in forever.  We used to hang out a little but I quit after he told me he liked me because we weren’t close enough to have that not really be awkward; but yesterday was a joyous occasion so I figured “why not?”  We smoked some bowls and it was actually a lot of fun until we were sitting in his room with nothing to do.  I hate making decisions.  With every fiber in my body I hate it.  I always feel like I’m letting them down or something.  But yesterday I had to.  It was either sit in his room and risk having a move made on me, or give him something else we should do and not care whether he wants to or not.  That’s what girls are supposed to do anyway right?  So I said we should go down the street to the coffee shop.  I could tell he didn’t want to but I had no choice.

                We got there and it was a freakin kid parade.  There were children and mature looking adults everywhere, which was awkward because Ricky and I stuck out like a sore thumb.  I had a hippy looking dress on, and green leather jacket, and eyes as red as the target logo (it felt like); Ricky had Rasta colored t-shirt, pot leaf earrings, and some stoner related sweatshirt.  I hate when people dress like that.  I wish everyone could dress like an upstanding member of society.  I mean my dress wasn’t that bad, except I had crazy red squinty eyes, but when people wear Rasta colors and baggy stuff and pot earrings it just gets excessive.  What’s wrong with NOT making it blatantly obvious that you break the law?  I don’t know I’m probably over reacting, but still…

                Anyway we were sitting there for a while, nothing to talk about, nothing to do, nothing to smoke.  I decided to make up an excuse that I had to go home and change into warmer clothes since I would be walking to Heathers house.  I don’t know if he bought it but it got me out of there faster.

After Ricky’s I really did go to Heathers we each did one hit of acid and smoked a little since I had work in a little bit and she had to do something for work.  Since it was just one hit it didn’t really affect us and we were maybe just a little gigglier than we would have been if it was just weed.  I went to work and made some awesome tips.  Awesome enough to buy two more hits of acid… and that’s what I did. 

                So after work Heather and I bought four more and each took two.  Acid is absolutely terrible tasting so it’s a good thing it’s your tongue that goes numb first.  The second time around was a ton more fun but I think three or four hits is ideal for me.  We watched life of pi twice and laughed our acids off (pun intended).  We also rolled around on her floor, danced, oohed and ahhhed at the beautiful patterns in the air, ventured up and down the same block about three times, and had a snow pea fight.  Not to mention the twenty minutes to an hour we spent laughing about oversized blankets that we had begun to call our “warrior robes”.  It all sounds incredibly stupid, but it was a total blast.  I don’t think there is a way to describe what acid is like to someone who has never tried it, but I can say that it’s impossible not to be happy and you will find yourself laughing at absolutely everything.  For a good long while during the night I was determined to find paper so I could draw what I was seeing in mid-air, or write a story; the only problem was that I was just sitting there.  I don’t know if I was expecting it to just appear in my hand or what.  I ended up not drawing a picture OR writing a story which I really regret.  Ah well I’m sure I’ll have another chance before I know it.

On a totally different note, I got a weight loss compliment yesterday!!!  My first one in a long time!  It was, “[Rosie] have you lost weight?!  For some reason you look tinier than normal!”  I just got all bashful and started blushing profusely because even though I’m not attracted to the guy that said it, it was still a guy that said it… I’m so pathetic haha. 

                I wish last night didn’t end.  Today I come home to my dad bringing up stuff about my mom that I don’t want to hear; he just knows it’ll make me angry.  And the angrier I get the calmer he pretends to be which makes me more angry.  Its a little game he plays and he won’t admit it or apologize for it.  Out of all the people in the world, he’s the most frustrating to be mad at.  If I’m mad at my mom I’ll ignore her or go to my room.  Mad at my step mom?  I’ll give her the silent treatment for a couple days and get over it.  The problem with my dad is that if one gives him the silent treatment he either won’t notice or won’t care because he never listens to anything anyways!  But I can’t yell at him because if I even get mad at him he’ll take away the few things he gives me, like help with remodeling my closet (which still isn’t done), or giving me a hundred dollars like twice a year.  And he makes me feel bad about it too like I’m asking for too much.  I’m a teenage girl, living in expensive ass America, in a reasonably upper middle class family.  I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed for wanting more than two hundred bucks for clothes shopping.  Not to mention most kids parents buy them a car or give them a car when they get to High School or get their license.  My dad is temporarily paying for a car, but I have to pay him back for it unless I was a 1,500 car that will cost more in fix ups than the car it’s self.  Ok ok I’m done ranting about my dad.  I’ll probably give him the silent treatment anyway even if he doesn’t notice or care.

                THANKS FOR READING!

What a terrible senior skip day.

Ok my god why do I never get it through my head that alcohol should not ever EVER be around me?!  Don't worry I didn't drink over drink or get date raped again.  As I was talking about earlier I wanted to throw a fun get together.  I thought people would enjoy maybe drinking a little with their french toast and pancakes, so I provided a little bit of alcohol.  "Enough that ten people would get slightly buzzed on", I thought, since there were ten people going.  One of the people that came was a kid I'm going to call Jackson.  Jackson was the third one to show up, and when I offered him a drink he was shy at first; saying things like "Are you sure?  I'll pay you back 20 dollars don't worry!"  I offered him chaser of every kind.  He declined.  Keep in mind he hadn't eaten anything yet either because we were still waiting for people to show up before we started making breakfast.
     By the time we had started cooking, Jackson had had at least a glass of vodka; straight i'm assuming.  And by the time breakfast was served he had drinken a small flask of black velvet, about a third of a bottle of Rain Organic vodka or some shit, and some choclate milky alcohol.  Not to mention he was asking to break into my dads liquor cabinet.  That was met with a swift NO.
     Breakfast was fun, we all chit chatted and carried on about how it's senior skip day and we're seniors and we're skipping.... you know, important stuff.  Sam was still ok at this point, but you could tell it was hitting him.  Did I say yet that no one else was drunk?  Some of us smoked, but he was the only one drunk and he really got smashed. 
       One of my friends and I were doing dishes and all of a sudden there was a big fiasco with Jackson people started getting out of control.  He was frantic to get his hands on more alcohol and they convinced him that the coke he was drinking had champagne in it.  I'm was still in the kitchen washing dishes and he comes stumbling in and heads for the bathroom and  I'm just thinking, "This is EXACTLY what I didn't want to happen".  He was in there for a while so we all thought he was puking, but he actually had just broken one of our bathroom decoration... A jar filled with sand and shells.  Awesome.  I would rather he have puked then and gotten it out of his system.  He was in my kitchen for a solid four minutes before an empty alcohol bottle was shattered on the floor.  I had tthe other guys take him out side before he went and broke something else.   I made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich but he wouldn't eat it.  And he was still trying to convince us that he was alright.
     I was so scared for Jackson and pissed and grossed out and anxious about getting in trouble that i just started crying right there in my kitchen.  I kept saying "I don't want him to puke on my yard!"  what an insensitive bitch right?  I think it's because I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.  Finally they decided to take him home, but nobody was there so they called Jacksons dad on his cell phone and he met them at the Hospital to.  They told his dad where the party was right away.
      After I went for a short hike to calm down I called Jacksons phone repetatively knowing one of his parents would answer and I talked with his mom for a short while.  She said he's been suffering from depression and anxiety since he was 8 so they're not surprised this happened.  Obvioulsly not ok with it, they just weren't surprised...  It's just a lot to take in..  I'm very upset about this.  I guess that summs up my day for today so far.  I'll ahve fun stuff to talk about tommorw. 

Senior Skip Day/ Food Club/ Stupid Heather/ kill. me. now

Well, now that I’ve successfully lost all my readers, I suppose I’ll start writing again.  The reason I didn’t write for a few days is because I was just so depressed.  I just couldn’t bring myself to write about how disgusting I’ve been.  I was binging for like for days straight and rocketed myself all the way back to 127 lbs of pure nasty fat.  Today I ate 1 ½ grapefruits, a few bites of apple, and about ¾ of an orange.  I just weighed myself and weigh 121.4 which was the best thing that’s happened to me today.

Ugggghhhh.  I really really really hate to say this but im starting to dislike heather.  I thought she was the one person that understood me and what I was going through, but she’s not being a good friend at all anymore.  I feel like I barely know her… or this version of her.  Maybe she just thinks she’s too good to hang out with me anymore.  On one hand I miss her and the adventures we used to have, and on the other hand I remember that that’s not how she acts anymore.  I feel abandoned. Pure and simple.  I’m tearing up right now just typing this because I just hate myself and everything else right now.  I want one person to tell me that I mean something to them. Just one.  It won’t happen…

Today I went to food club for the first time.  I usually schedule myself to be working on food club days to avoid temptation, but today I had work off and was feeling strong so I decided to go.  We made chicken and tortellini alfredo. For desert we made chocolate mousse.  I’m proud to say I stayed strong!  It was a real test of self control and I did it.  Here’s the part where I’m an idiot:

Senior skip day is on Friday (it’s usually on 4/20, but seeing as that’s a Saturday…), and since I didn’t want to see a day that goes to waste I volunteered to cook breakfast for everybody at my house.  I didn’t realize in that second that it meant I’d have to eat the food I was cooking.  I just wanted to serve everybody.  I’m going to try to tell everyone that I cooked some for my dad and ate it with him… I hope they go for it.  So now I’m worrisome.  I don’t even like having people in my house anyway! Why did I volunteer to cook them all food?!  Not only that but there will be alcohol there so that’ll take up my entire days worth of calories pretty much.  I’ll just have some fruit later I guess.

I also realize that I jinx myself a ton on this blog.  When I said I was getting used to my stepmom, she was a bitch the next day.  The same thing happened when I told you my dad was awesome; he acted like a total jerk for the next few days.  And whenever I say I’m doing really well and staying on track, I end up binging.  Most of the time they’re terrible binges too.

Well, this was all over the place.  Sorry I couldn’t make it more interesting; Heather has been consuming my head and bringing me down… I don’t know if I should say something or just quit trying.  I’ll probably just quit trying because that’s what I’m best at.  I hate myself so much.  Suicide sounds so sweet right now.

Surprise!

Today I’m going to talk about something that I don’t think I’ve talked about yet, and that’s my sexuality.  What sparked this is something that happened yesterday.

So on maybe Tuesday or Wednesday of last week, one of my school friends (I’ll call her…. Jackie) kind of came out to me and told me that she was bi, insisting that I don’t tell anyone because I was one of like six people that knew and the other five were in her family.  I was super flattered that she trusted me with her secret but it also got me wondering…  I’m in no way shape or form her closest friend, I’ve never let on what my sexual preference is, and we’d never hung out outside of school so she really couldn’t have been sure if I was trustworthy or not, but I just accepted it.  The next day she told me that one of our mutual friends was planning something like a movie night or ice cream outing on Friday (yesterday for those of you who don’t know what day it is) and she invited me along.  Since I didn’t have anything planned already for after work I accepted.  After she told me she was bi she started putting more smiley’s and stuff in her texts too which I didn’t really think much of.  Friday came along and during lunch she invited me to eat with her and brought me a cookie I couldn’t eat.  Once again I took it as just a friendly gesture.

Friday night came along and I had just gotten off work and texted Jackie to see what the plan was with everybody. She said we could go to Shelly’s (A café that stays open late at night), or a movie about Jackie Robinson.  I hate deciding so I made her.  She chose Shelly’s.  So I get there and to my surprise it’s just her and her alone I’m meeting up with.  I had no complaints because she’s still a friend and big crowds bother me sometimes anyway.  But then I notice she’s wearing more make up than usual, has on a girly shirt, which just makes a difference because she normally doesn’t go really girly, she’s a jeans and t-shirt type of girl; and got a haircut.  So I’m starting to wonder if she likes me at this point because she also keeps making references to the fact that she’s bi, but I also thought I was just being paranoid because that’s what ignorant ass holes think right?  “Oh he/she’s gay; he/she must like me”.  So we talk n’ stuff for the rest of the night and at midnight she drops me off.  It was fun talking to her about our fucked up families but now I just don’t know if my thoughts are legitimate or if I’m super conceited.

So now I suppose I’ll tell you that I am bi.  I’ve been really confused since about freshman year, and I thought all girls felt some level of attraction for each other so I just assumed I was like the other straight girls.  But I’ve had some definite girl crushes.  My relationship with Heather started out as me having a huge girl crush and being all awkward.  I got over that fast though when we became better friends.  The difference between Jackie and I, is that she’s sure of herself and is able to tell people; even if she’s only told five.  The only person that knows I’m bi is one of the waitresses at my work, and all I said to her was that I’ve had girl crushes before so she might not even think I’m bi. I’m such a coward.  I’m uncomfortable with my family so there’s no way I’d tell them, my friends would probably give me crap about it, and my dogs obviously just don’t understand.  And the realization that I’m bi is very very recent.  Recent as in I probably figured it out last month or so. 

The thing about Jackie though is that she doesn’t really smoke or drink.  I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  Quite the opposite actually.  I just feel like people who don’t do any of that judge people who do.  And Jackie is thin, blonde, has pretty teeth, nice skin, and is super friendly, but for some reason I don’t think I have a crush on her.  If she told me she liked me it would be too much to explain that “yes I’m bi and you’re the only other bi girl I know, but I can’t be a ‘thing’ with you because I just don’t feel it”.  I think it also might partially be because I’m still coming to terms with it myself.  For the longest time I was in denial and now that I’m aware of it, I have to come to terms with it before I go around experimenting with girls.  Not to mention I still like guys!  Well… right now I don’t like any guys, but in general I do.  Hmmm  I’m just going to have to ponder this a little more I think.  Now I’ll get on to what this blog is supposed to actually be about.

This morning I ate an egg, 70 calories, an apple, 20, a small banana, 65, and a few pieces of mango that I’ll say totaled to 50 calories.  So my breakfast was 205 calories.  I’ll be skipping lunch today because I might be cooking dinner for one of my friends today.  If I end up not cooking for her then I’ll just skip dinner too; it’s easier. When I weighed myself this morning I was at 118.2 which means I lost about five lbs last week.  I’m going to try to get to 113 or so by the end of next week.  Walking will be my exercise today since I’ll probably be walking about 3-5 miles total today.

Any questions or comments please leave one! Thanks for reading J

Iphones and the people that belong to them.

Today I ate an amazingly intense breakfast of peanut butter honey toast, a banana, and an apple.  I’m guessing it was about 600 calories because of all the delicious peanut butter.  For lunch I had assorted melon chunks, probably about 80 calories, and for obvious reasons I’m skipping dinner.  I’m really glad I have two scales in the house so I can cross check the weights.  On one of them it said 118.3 and the other one said 121.6.  I weighed myself with my clothes on because I’ll weigh myself again in the morning. I’m going to try my darndest to keep every day this weekend under 500 calories.  I believe that I can.

Today I’m going to talk about ass holes with iphones.  I’M NOT SAYING EVERYONE WITH AN IPHONE IS AN ASS HOLE!  I’m just talking about the ass hole ones.  Nothing makes me angrier than people who can’t put their phone down for five seconds; the ones who interrupt you mid sentence because they have to instagram something or the ones who just blatantly ignore you when you’re talking.  There are too many of them out there and they don’t even know who they are… or maybe they do and they’re just too rude to care.  I have an iphone and I know how amazing they are, but when people talk to me I put it away and listen.  It’s even worse when you spend 15 minutes listening to them talk and the second you say something they go on their iphone and start playing around.  It like what the hell!  Show some respect. 

I know people who get their phones taken away almost every day in class.  Not only does it make them look like an idiot but teachers deserve more respect than that too.  Now if the teacher doesn’t have a problem with phones and iPods out, that’s a different story; but if on a daily basis you’re disrupting everyone because you can’t wait five seconds to text your boyfriend or check your facebook, then it’s annoying as fuck and I want to scream. 

Don’t even get me started on the people who have to constantly pull up something on the internet relating to the conversation.  Everyone will be having a group conversation about sail boats let’s say, and ten minutes later when people are talking about the zombie apocalypse little Johnny iphone goes, “look guys, this is that sail boat I was talking about!”….  Great! You just missed half our conversation that we’re not going to repeat because you needed to show us a sail boat none of us care about!  Being social is more fun than staring a screen all day anyway.  There are also the people who take pictures of everything… “Oh that’s a cool car!  Oh that’s a cute cat! Take a picture of me here! Take a picture of me there!”  NO!  I have better things to do with my life than constantly take pictures of you!  Then of course they have to go on instagram which will take another 20 minutes, because god forbid you don’t use the right filter.  Don’t forget about the video watcher that will just completely zone out everybody and everything because they’re so enthralled in youtube videos.  The absolute worst is when they’re all of these.  The constant texter, online shopper, picture taker, instagramer, conversation searcher, video watcher, facebooker… I totally forgot about twitter and whatever else they have now.  Yes I have an instagram and a facebook, but I do maybe one post a week or so on facebook, and just random spurts on instagram; I’d never ignore someone to instagram something.

I have a friend who literally makes calls to people when it’s just her and I hanging out.  She might as well just take me home at least I wouldn’t have to sit there bored and listen to a one sided conversation that she’s having with her brother or god knows who.  She also texts and instagrams while driving, walking, working, probably everything else.  I get so annoyed with it.

I really hope than anyone with an iphone that’s reading this and realizes that they’re one of these people will change their habbits or at least try to.  It’s so frustrating to deal with and I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Trust me, other people are thinking it they’re just not saying anything.

Well on that happy note, I hope everyone’s having a great day and I’ll talk to you tomorrow!

A plethora of subjects today.

Well yesterday I spoke too soon about not minding my step mom all that much anymore.  It’s funny how right when I say that she’s gaining my respect she ruins it by being a micro-managing bitch.  But I won’t get into that now because I don’t want to waste another entry on my step mom.  Nothing with the word “mother” has a very positive review in my books right now.  Mother, Grandmother and step-mother are all too much too handle.  Why doesn’t any grown woman (that I’ve met) understand that she was once a teenager too? 

Today for breakfast I had a small handful of cashews, which was about 80 calories.  For lunch I had Cherry tomatoes (again) which was about 100 calories.  I have no idea what I’ll eat for dinner because all we have in this god forsaken house is bread and onions it seems like.  But I have about 120 to 220 calories to work with.  Preferably 120 because I didn’t exercise too much today.  I’ve actually had a pretty annoying day and I’m so happy it’s almost over.  I spend the second half of it blind because one of my contacts fell out.  For a while I kept the other one in but it was screwing with my brain so I had to take the other one out.  Reach your arm out.  Looks nice and clear right?  When I don’t have my contacts in my hand is blurry; that’s how terrible my eye sight is.  I’m sure people thought I was giving them the stink eye, when in reality I just was trying to see them.  But I also failed my second government test this week and feel like even more of a failure.  Those two things would have been annoying enough, but my step mom really got the ball rolling this morning because she just can’t let people do their own thing.  She has to have everything her way and can’t let anyone do their own thing.  I know I said I would talk about her again so I’ll leave it at that. 

For our final essay in English we’re writing and essay about unanswerable question the human race as struggled with forever. Some of the questions I’m considering are: Does the universe have a purpose?, what makes life meaningful?, how do you determine right and wrong?, are moral values relative or absolute?, what does it mean to live a good life?, what is it that makes us civilized?, how does wealth corrupt human nature?, how do we determine how far science should go?  They’re all awesome questions so it’s really hard for me to decide.  I’ll probably just make my dad pick one for me to write about.  That way at the end of the year he can read it and we can see if we have the same views about it. 

My dad is the only person I like talking about school with.  He’s the smartest person I’ve ever met and it seems like he know everything about anything.  Just listening to him talk is fun because he really knows what he’s talking about.  He practically reads a new book every other week and he takes encyclopedias to bed with him and reads them on the toilet.  It honestly amazes me and I’m so jealous that he has the patience to learn all that.  Not only does he learn facts about things, he learns how to do things.  Sculpting, woodcarving, sailing, kayaking, biking, uni-cycling, acupuncture….  I could go on and on.

Heather is still bothering me with her boy problems.  She gives me the same speech multiple times when we hang out.  She’s started to do that less often and I think it’s because now instead of pretending to feel bad for her, I’m kind of taking the guys side.  She says things like “I’m so terrible” and “I’m an [attention whore]”.  And it just makes me crazy that she says stuff like that and doesn’t change it.  It’s not a good thing to be an attention whore and I want to say that, but as much as I disagree with her I’m not going to be rude.  As much as I want to I won’t scream at her, “GOD DAMN IT. JUST STOP TREATING GUYS LIKE TOYS!  THEY HAVE FEELINGS TOO!  AND QUIT FLIRTING WITH ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY AND THEN COMPLAING THAT THEY LIKE YOU!”  I want to say that…. But I won’t.  She really does though.  She even admittedly flirts with girls sometimes and she’s straight.  It’s like, why can you not see that your causing all your own problems?  Don’t misunderstand me; I love her to absolute death and that’s why I put up with all this.  It’s just getting old ya know?

Well I guess I’ve subjected you to enough girl talk for today.  99% of this isn’t even about anorexia but I hope people enjoy reading it anyway.  Thanks for reading!

Sasquatch

Today went all right; school was long but hey, what’s new? I had a few raspberries for breakfast again and some fruit snacks for lunch.  I thought the fruit snacks were only 80 calories, but to my dismay there were two servings in there so I’m up to 200 cals so far.  For dinner I’ll just have lettuce and dressing again because I have work.

I’m soooooo excited for the end of May!  The Sasquatch music festival is coming up and It’s going to be like a four day party.  I want to invest in some acid so it’ll be worth the 500 dollars I spent on the ticket.  Acid is my favorite drug I’d have to say.  Behind the ganja of course.  I guess I’ll say acid is my favorite party drug because weed just makes me eat and sleep.  I really want to meet a guy there.  Not for anything long term of course.  I just want to know that not all the guys in the world are stuck up, gross, or hicks…. Or all three combined.  That’s essentially all I’ve encountered this year.  And I’m going with my best friends that I haven’t spent much time with this year because I’ve either been working, sick, hanging out with heather, or pretending to hang out with heather.  I think they think I spend more time with Heather than I actually do.  Lately I haven’t really hung out at all because I’m too worried about food.  Every Wednesday they have food club, and it’s super social and they make awesome food, but I never let myself go because it would be way to stressful for me either I’d end the night with me puking or hating myself… probably both. 

 I really wish I could write more today but unfortunately I have to go to voice lessons now.   I hope it’s beautiful springtime everywhere else!  It’s still not here!  Thanks for reading J

Step Mothers

Today I had some raspberries and half a grapefruit for breakfast.  For lunch I once again had 20 cherry tomatoes.  They’re just so delicious haha.  And since I have work today, for dinner I’m going to have a cup or two of lettuce and some balsamic vinaigrette.  YUM!   Total that’s about three hundred calories. And I biked for thirty-five minutes. 

Today was my first full day back at school after spring break and it was just as uneventful as all the other days.  I asked my one o my friends how their 400 calorie diet went yesterday and apparently they both ate dinner so I’m not as worried.  I don’t want them to try it again though.  The more times they try it the more they’ll feel the need to succeed.

Right now I’m sitting next to my fireplace because apparently spring time in Montana means 45 degree weather mingled with occasional snow.  I hate it.  I’m kind of paranoid right now because about four feet away from me my step mom is sitting.  She can’t see what I’m typing; I just don’t want her to ask.  I’m very off and on with her.  When she first started dating my dad I was in sixth grade and she seemed pretty cool.  As soon as she moved in with him she took over and put up about a million pictures of her dog while taking down other photos we had previously.  By all means she can make herself at home, but I didn’t want her destroying mine.  We fought a lot and got on each other’s nerves. And eventually I couldn’t take it anymore.  My dad was just a walking talking puppet of her and I felt neglected.  So rather than have the custody stay at two weeks with my mom and two weeks with my dad, I just lived at my mom’s all the time and spent every other weekend at my dad’s house; although I still hated her and never wanted to go over there at all.  But I did because my mom made me.  Then things really went to shit with my mom.  She quit treating me like her daughter and started treating me like a juvenile delinquent that she was forced to take care of because there wasn’t enough room in the local prison.  She yelled at me all the time, gave me absolutely no personal freedom and wondered why I didn’t go head over heels to do everything she asked.  It wasn’t even that she gave me no freedom.  I’m sure in that respect I’m more lucky than some kids.  But she felt she always had to manipulate and turn herself into a victim.  She trash talked me to my family to the point where I can hardly even think about my grandma without getting angry.  She destroyed the closeness my brother and I had because she had manipulated him to her side of course; which couldn’t have been hard because he’s more of a follower than I have ever been.  The only person I’ve ever talked to that understands how crazy my mom can be is my dad.  So eventually when I became “out of control” for not wanting to come home at 10:30 on weekends, I decided it was better to leave and it was no secret that she wanted me gone.  I moved back in with my dad and step mom and tried to calm the depressing thoughts in my head.  My dad seems to have more of a mind of his own now so it’s a lot more bearable to live in this house.  They treat me like an adult and give me my space which is amazing for two reasons.  First of all, I feel like I’m actually allowed to have fun and I’m a lot more content with that.  And second, it’s easier to pretend that I’m fine when nobody asks.  My dad has never been the touchy feely “let’s talk about it” type, and I still don’t trust my step mom enough to tell her how I feel.   Plus she only ever asks to talk when I’m clearly not ok; like she wants to get information from me or something.  Life lesson number one: Anytime is a good time to ask a friend how they’re doing. 

That’s just one of the reasons I get annoyed with her.  She also can act really fake, be very rude to my dad sometimes, and she doesn’t laugh at his jokes.  I know that’s a weird reason not to like someone, but it’s my dad and god damn it he deserves to have his jokes laughed at.  The biggest reason why I dislike (d) her is because sometimes I get the vibe she’s trying too hard to be a family, or tries to act like my mom.  I have a mom that lives 7 blocks away that I hate. I don’t need two.  But we get along better than we used to at least.  Not talking all that often is the way to get along with her.

Well I have to go to work now and eat my delicious lettuce!  I hope everyone loved hearing about my step mom!

Ana friends?

Today I had about 15 raspberries with a teeny tiny bit of yogurt.  A friend at school gave me five sour gummies, and for dinner I had five cherry tomatoes and an apple with peanut butter.  It totaled to about 375 calories today. So it wasn’t bad but I didn’t really exercise.  I didn’t even go to weightlifting because I had an eye appointment.  I know I could exercise right now but it hurts to so much as move my head and I’m not really sure why.

Today I was sitting with my friends during lunch, which is rare because I usually sit in the locker room during lunch eating my tiny meals and reading.  It’s just easier to avoid temptation that way.  So I’m sitting there during lunch and two of my friends start talking about this “diet” that they’re doing in which two days a week they’ll eat 400 calories.  Clearly the last thing I did was tell them not too because I’m not a hypocrite, but I don’t know how far they’ll go with it.  A while ago one of them was talking about how they want more will power over food.  This causes me to be conflicted in many ways.  On one hand I know that It would be good of me to tell them to stop now because diets like that are a slippery slope, and on the other hand I want to ask them about it because I love my Ana buddies, but nothing could help more than having the friends I see everyday be anorexic too.  I wouldn’t have to avoid them like the plague anymore and the support would be a lot more productive I feel.  I think I’m going to wait and see how they do with it and I’ll look for the signs.  I just don’t want them to have to go through what I go through.  Maybe I’m just over reacting to assume that anyone who diets now days has an eating disorder.  I just don’t know how to go about it.

I think I’m cutting this blog short because I need to fold laundry.  If anybody has advice I would really appreciate it J Thanks!

Done with break

Well I got home today. Back to school tomorrow dang it. But fortunately for me there are so few weeks left of school that Glen Beck could probably count them down now. No offense to Glen Beck fans I'm just opinionated. Someday I'll write an entry about my political views and hopefully everyone will still be accepting of me.
Today my old Ana buddy texted. She definitely isn't done being Ana so now I have three. The code name for this one is going to be Olivia. So now I have Anna Mia and Olivia. I didn't do terribly this weekend but I'm glad to be back to a schedule and being busy. It helps when there are tons of other things to do besides eat. I think I'm gonna make today's short since I spent a lot of my day in a car and didn't do much.
Food today:
Omelette
Pizza
PB&J
Pop corn.
So yeah... I did bad today. But the rest of the weekend not as bad

Wow haven't blogged for days.

Jeez it seems staying on track with eating isn't the only thing I have problems with.  Apparantly I've been too busy wallowing in self hate and sleeping.  Oh the joy. Apparently Heather can't even hang out with me when I'm inside her house.  Yesterday I watched gilmores girls alone and stoned in her house, while she was at the bars.  But I'm not complaining; it's better than being alone and stoned at my own house. 
Today I'm fasting. I just can't believe how I'm eating during the work week.  I usually only give myself a little leeway on weekends, or actually, I binge.  which I'm trying to quit anyway, but maybe since it's spring break I have it in my head that it's ok to eat.  I love making excuses. 
That's really all that's happened in the last couple days which is probably why I haven't really written, but now I remember something.
Two nights ago I was invited to do a dance thing at Memorial Park.  I expected it to be like a dance off thing with a big crowd n' stuff.  There's a dome thing there so that's where I was expecting it to be.  It actually was behind the dome thing next to a dumpster and a total of like six or seven people were there.  It was really awkward because I'm not very close to any of them, I just went because I was tired of being at home.  Only two of the guys could actually dance and look cool doing it, and one of those two guys I've liked since the beginning of the year.  He was my first kiss in sixth grade and after that we didn't really talk until this year.  He told my friend he was interested in me at the beginning of the year, and when we hang out, outside of school (not often), it's pretty fun, but during school he hardly talks to me and never flirts so it's extremely confusing.  But I'm also not sure if the only reason why I like him is because I don't think he likes me back...  God I feel so stupid talking about guys. I hope you readers don't mind, but when I write these, It's me trying to sort things out for myself. I hate to admit it, but I don't even proof read these.  Anyone who has the time should look up "crave you" by flight facilities. That's my emotion about this kid haha I'm such a sap.
Oh and also here's another tip!  If you're wanting food, fuck normal gum.  I'd invest in bubble gum.  You can get all kind of different flavors and your mouth will be so much more occupied.