Today I’m going to talk about something that I don’t think I’ve talked about yet, and that’s my sexuality. What sparked this is something that happened yesterday.
So on maybe Tuesday or Wednesday of last week, one of my school friends (I’ll call her…. Jackie) kind of came out to me and told me that she was bi, insisting that I don’t tell anyone because I was one of like six people that knew and the other five were in her family. I was super flattered that she trusted me with her secret but it also got me wondering… I’m in no way shape or form her closest friend, I’ve never let on what my sexual preference is, and we’d never hung out outside of school so she really couldn’t have been sure if I was trustworthy or not, but I just accepted it. The next day she told me that one of our mutual friends was planning something like a movie night or ice cream outing on Friday (yesterday for those of you who don’t know what day it is) and she invited me along. Since I didn’t have anything planned already for after work I accepted. After she told me she was bi she started putting more smiley’s and stuff in her texts too which I didn’t really think much of. Friday came along and during lunch she invited me to eat with her and brought me a cookie I couldn’t eat. Once again I took it as just a friendly gesture.
Friday night came along and I had just gotten off work and texted Jackie to see what the plan was with everybody. She said we could go to Shelly’s (A café that stays open late at night), or a movie about Jackie Robinson. I hate deciding so I made her. She chose Shelly’s. So I get there and to my surprise it’s just her and her alone I’m meeting up with. I had no complaints because she’s still a friend and big crowds bother me sometimes anyway. But then I notice she’s wearing more make up than usual, has on a girly shirt, which just makes a difference because she normally doesn’t go really girly, she’s a jeans and t-shirt type of girl; and got a haircut. So I’m starting to wonder if she likes me at this point because she also keeps making references to the fact that she’s bi, but I also thought I was just being paranoid because that’s what ignorant ass holes think right? “Oh he/she’s gay; he/she must like me”. So we talk n’ stuff for the rest of the night and at midnight she drops me off. It was fun talking to her about our fucked up families but now I just don’t know if my thoughts are legitimate or if I’m super conceited.
So now I suppose I’ll tell you that I am bi. I’ve been really confused since about freshman year, and I thought all girls felt some level of attraction for each other so I just assumed I was like the other straight girls. But I’ve had some definite girl crushes. My relationship with Heather started out as me having a huge girl crush and being all awkward. I got over that fast though when we became better friends. The difference between Jackie and I, is that she’s sure of herself and is able to tell people; even if she’s only told five. The only person that knows I’m bi is one of the waitresses at my work, and all I said to her was that I’ve had girl crushes before so she might not even think I’m bi. I’m such a coward. I’m uncomfortable with my family so there’s no way I’d tell them, my friends would probably give me crap about it, and my dogs obviously just don’t understand. And the realization that I’m bi is very very recent. Recent as in I probably figured it out last month or so.
The thing about Jackie though is that she doesn’t really smoke or drink. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Quite the opposite actually. I just feel like people who don’t do any of that judge people who do. And Jackie is thin, blonde, has pretty teeth, nice skin, and is super friendly, but for some reason I don’t think I have a crush on her. If she told me she liked me it would be too much to explain that “yes I’m bi and you’re the only other bi girl I know, but I can’t be a ‘thing’ with you because I just don’t feel it”. I think it also might partially be because I’m still coming to terms with it myself. For the longest time I was in denial and now that I’m aware of it, I have to come to terms with it before I go around experimenting with girls. Not to mention I still like guys! Well… right now I don’t like any guys, but in general I do. Hmmm I’m just going to have to ponder this a little more I think. Now I’ll get on to what this blog is supposed to actually be about.
This morning I ate an egg, 70 calories, an apple, 20, a small banana, 65, and a few pieces of mango that I’ll say totaled to 50 calories. So my breakfast was 205 calories. I’ll be skipping lunch today because I might be cooking dinner for one of my friends today. If I end up not cooking for her then I’ll just skip dinner too; it’s easier. When I weighed myself this morning I was at 118.2 which means I lost about five lbs last week. I’m going to try to get to 113 or so by the end of next week. Walking will be my exercise today since I’ll probably be walking about 3-5 miles total today.
Any questions or comments please leave one! Thanks for reading J
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