Well, now that I’ve successfully lost all my readers, I suppose I’ll start writing again. The reason I didn’t write for a few days is because I was just so depressed. I just couldn’t bring myself to write about how disgusting I’ve been. I was binging for like for days straight and rocketed myself all the way back to 127 lbs of pure nasty fat. Today I ate 1 ½ grapefruits, a few bites of apple, and about ¾ of an orange. I just weighed myself and weigh 121.4 which was the best thing that’s happened to me today.
Ugggghhhh. I really really really hate to say this but im starting to dislike heather. I thought she was the one person that understood me and what I was going through, but she’s not being a good friend at all anymore. I feel like I barely know her… or this version of her. Maybe she just thinks she’s too good to hang out with me anymore. On one hand I miss her and the adventures we used to have, and on the other hand I remember that that’s not how she acts anymore. I feel abandoned. Pure and simple. I’m tearing up right now just typing this because I just hate myself and everything else right now. I want one person to tell me that I mean something to them. Just one. It won’t happen…
Today I went to food club for the first time. I usually schedule myself to be working on food club days to avoid temptation, but today I had work off and was feeling strong so I decided to go. We made chicken and tortellini alfredo. For desert we made chocolate mousse. I’m proud to say I stayed strong! It was a real test of self control and I did it. Here’s the part where I’m an idiot:
Senior skip day is on Friday (it’s usually on 4/20, but seeing as that’s a Saturday…), and since I didn’t want to see a day that goes to waste I volunteered to cook breakfast for everybody at my house. I didn’t realize in that second that it meant I’d have to eat the food I was cooking. I just wanted to serve everybody. I’m going to try to tell everyone that I cooked some for my dad and ate it with him… I hope they go for it. So now I’m worrisome. I don’t even like having people in my house anyway! Why did I volunteer to cook them all food?! Not only that but there will be alcohol there so that’ll take up my entire days worth of calories pretty much. I’ll just have some fruit later I guess.
I also realize that I jinx myself a ton on this blog. When I said I was getting used to my stepmom, she was a bitch the next day. The same thing happened when I told you my dad was awesome; he acted like a total jerk for the next few days. And whenever I say I’m doing really well and staying on track, I end up binging. Most of the time they’re terrible binges too.
Well, this was all over the place. Sorry I couldn’t make it more interesting; Heather has been consuming my head and bringing me down… I don’t know if I should say something or just quit trying. I’ll probably just quit trying because that’s what I’m best at. I hate myself so much. Suicide sounds so sweet right now.
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